ups & downs

So I was doing pretty well after my last entry. Then here comes the let down. It started with my grandson being angry with me because his sister decided to meet Eddie's father. He feels that Eddie would be upset because Ed's father hurt him so we should reject his attempts to make amends. I told Josh that we will just have to agree to disagree. Joshua argues with his sister, his mom, occasionally me. He is drinking too much & I believe much of it is to avoid grieving his Dad. He is much more comfortable in anger as most young men are. I will just let him be but as I told him I personally must choose love.
Then my 89 year old mother started. No offense to anyone who has a good relationship with their mother, but my mother is and always has been rough. She began her list of demands & I said I would work on them but it is never enough for her. My mother has since Eddie passed been of the mindset, "snap out it & get over it". She tells me that she is upset because I've changed & don't do as much for her & then gives me cliches such as "this is life." "He's in a better place & you had him for 37 years." She is a narcissist whose concern when Eddie passed if how will this situation affect my ability to help her. Well, I have changed. I am not as emotionally available to her& I admit that, but I don't think it gives her the right to say cruel things to me. She upset me so much yesterday that I needed to take an Ativan. I cried for 2 days. Eddie & I always talked when she was unkind. On a couple of occasions he even told her to get off my back when she'd have one of her tirades. I miss his support & validation. Well I miss everything about him. I just miss him.
Well, that helped to vent that out. I am taking deep breaths & going to clean up my garden now. Josh & Christina are. Coing over for dinner tonight so hopefully we will all be in better space. Thanks for listening.
Love to all of you, Linda, Eddie's mom