Ups and Downs
Friday, June 13, 2008 -- Update I have ups and downs in life, just as most people do. There are times when I only have one or two things going badly, but there are days when I feel as though my whole world is crashing down around me. That was how it felt this morning. It has not gotten much better, but I am trying to deal with it, rather than running away from it. This morning I was EXTREMELY upset by medical and family issues. I said some things in my journal that would have been better left unsaid. I am sorry to have worried my friends here. That was not my intent. I have been under a lot of pressure and stress recently. I kept everything bottled up inside me just as I usually do. This morning I finally blew up. My therapists told me this was going to happen if I did not find a way to release my anger. Today I saw that they were right. My sister paid me an unexpected visit this afternoon. It was both good and bad. At one point, she said I only had agoraphobia and depression because I wanted them, and all I had to do was “snap out of it” if I really wanted to. She has little understanding about some things. This is one of them, and there is no point in wasting my time arguing with her. I have grown weary of fighting an uphill battle in life. Sometimes, like today, I feel as though I am losing the battle. I feel drained of almost all of my stamina and energy. Giving up would be oh, so easy! The hard thing is that I cannot quite convince myself that it is the right thing to do.
Replies
Remember Jim, your sister is operating on a lack of info about you. So anything she says will irritate you because it\'s not true from YOUR perspective, but it seems to be from HERS. The sooner you get her in to your therapist/worker, the better. It might be explosive at first. But you know I\'m here for you if it is, and it won\'t stay that way forever. And it may \'damage\' your relationship with her, but right now YOUR health, mentally and physically is the most important thing.
Weeble Hugs and Mojo to you.
Jim,
I\'m having a really hard time these days too so I hope my perspective isn\'t too negative right now.
How are you feeling about the incident with your sister now? I don\'t see how it\'s not normal to have uncontrolled bouts of rage in the face of triggering people. I\'ve actually thought you\'ve been way too nice to your sister in all of this so maybe she deserved a blast? I find my tolerance for those who minimize my pain, try to get me to be quiet or who use intimidation is rapidly decreasing.
She deserved to be yelled at for saying those things to you. Anyone who has suffered from agoraphobia or depression would never EVER say that it\'s a choice. I had someone tell me that I find comfort in my depression because I likened it to a blanket. In my mind, the blanket was suffocating me - not comforting me. The absurdity that anyone could find it comforting boggles my mind to this day. She was not only being insensitive, but also condescending.
I think that if your sister wants to help, then she needs to see a therapist. I\'m finding that the less time I spend with family and the more I deal with my issues, the less tolerant I am of their issues and their lack of understanding.
Jim, you are not the problem. Anger is long overdue in your case. She is the problem because she invalidates your feelings. I think that sometimes we make ourselves so useful by validating others that when we push forward and try to change our lives, those around us get scared of losing their own support. I\'ll bet you are a great brother to her.
Tough luck for them. You are earning your peace of mind. It\'s not easy to do. You can\'t bring everyone along with you, either. They can choose to put in some hard work or be left in the dust.
Your friend,
Sam
Weeble and Sam, thank you for your words of support and encouragement. It is very valuable to me. My sister means well, but I feel that every now and then, she goes off the deep end. I am beginning to think my therapist is on the right track in wanting to have her come to one of my sessions. Maybe he can help her see things differently about me and my life.
I know that I am not perfect. I have caused a lot of my own problems, especially when I became involved in using drugs. Nevertheless, I feel that I am making an honest effort to clean up that part of my life, and begin moving forward again. It isn\'t easy, but few things that are really worthwhile in life come easily.
My sister is also angry with our brother. He has pretty much cut off most contact with both of us even though he only lives 50 miles away. It used to bother me a LOT, but all my therapists, have told me to leave him alone, give him some space, and he will return when, and if, he is ready. My sister cannot accept this concept. If I wrote what she feels about him, I would be banned from here for life.
Years ago, I had a terrible temper, often taking my anger out on others. It took many years, but I finally learned to control the anger. I taught myself to keep it bottled up within me. That was not the right way to handle it, as I now know.
I am just going through a bad period in my life. With the two of you helping me, along with other DS friends, and my therapists, I believe there is a good chance that I can make it through this period in one piece. I may be bruised somewhat, but I WILL get through this, and live to fight another day.
Your friend,
Jim
: )
I\'m just re-reading your journal here because I lost touch for the weekend. I got all wrapped up in my own problems.
I wonder how we release this anger. I can\'t predict when it\'s coming, can you? When it does come, it\'s almost like I\'m possessed. There is no stopping it. I wonder how we express anger in a healthy manner when the anger comes from such a deep, dark place. How can we be expected to control it when it\'s so overpowering?
We should wear black armbands that indicate we will explode in the face of triggers so that people don\'t yell back at us and escalate it. I heard that during the second world war, widows and mothers would wear a black armband because they would often break down in grief in public. That way, the public could know to treat them compassionately because they had experienced a death. Wouldn\'t that be nice?