Update? Kay.. =)

Lately life hasn't been that bad. I mean it hasn't be that great but I am okay with that. I have to stop letting everything ruin my life. I need to start making changes to the things I don't like about my life because 75% of the time they are things I have done to myself. I get bat shit crazy from the medication so I finally sucked it up and called a specialist. I have an apt on the 5th. That was my first step. I applied for financial aid although I haven't made a decision on what I want to do yet. At least I am getting my foot through the door right? Little by little I am changing things in my life, hoping that eventually everything else will fall into place.
I have decided to cut off all contact with people I have had relationships in the past. I feel like there is no reason to keep them in my life for many reasons. One at the top of the list is the fact that they look at me as a sexual object that they can use whenever they want. Yes, I have had my issues in the past like everyone else. But, I am NOT that girl anymore. I respect myself. To continue working toward a healthy and happy future means to cut ties with these people who don't see me for who I truly am. I am NOT my past.
I was pretty happy about my decision and started to feel some positive from all the changes I have made so far. Then one morning I get a bunch of my EX who apparently came back from Europe. He was there all month. (Interesting how we break up and all of sudden he has money to buy a new car and go on vacations.) Anyways, I ignored him. He then proceeded to "stalk text" and begged me to speak to him. Keep in mind, I have come to realize that he is a psycho. So, I am sitting there wondering what is it that he wants this time? Every couple of months he comes back, texting me, telling me that he has "found himself", learned a lot, and has changed. I can't tell you how many times he did this.... Well, I honestly had enough! I told him that he needed to stop, and basically it was over. It has been over for a year. He needs to move on because the feelings aren't mutual! He didn't take it well and did he usual "Okay I understand. Blah blah blah now I'm gonna put a bullet in my head." To be honest, I was about to tell him just to do it. I am tired of these guys threatening to kill themselves when they don't get their way. It's pathetic...
Don't get me wrong, I've been there. I've felt so lost and alone and depressed that I felt like the world was ending and so should my life. I get it. I don't wish those feelings upon ANYONE! But, don't use it as a weapon to get what you want because that does NOT work with me. I may feel bad for you and want to help or be there for you but that does NOT mean I will give you want you want..
I had a dream the other night.. I was laying in bed with a man, and I cannot begin to tell you how content I was. I felt this amazing happiness coming through me and when I woke up I immediately felt sad. That sadness travelled with me all day then I just snapped out of it. I know someone is out there for me. That dream was merely a glimpse into my future. This is not the end for me!
I had all this stuff I wanted to write but I haven't gotten the time. It's my best friends birthday and we are going out to the city for dinner and drinks.
I feel pretty today...
My birthday is in a couple days and my friends have planned something special. I was very surprised. Hopefully all will go well. I keep telling myself that the sun is going to rise soon and this darkness with be gone. I know it's coming. I just need to be patient and continue to hold on. It gets hard sometimes but I just can't give up. I've been fighting for this long it would be a shame to give up now. I am stronger than I think.. I know this..
I will be okay..