Update from Last Post

First off, thank you to those who reached out. It means a lot to know that someone cares and took the time to read throught and give me their honest feedback. 

A few people have mentioned that I was basically cutting off my nose to spite my face by not wanting to spend time with my boyfriend's family or his friends- and I agree. When we first got to Texas (and even on the way there), I was in such a bad mood. I had so many feelings. I was mad and hurt at my own parents for basically giving me an ultimatum and  for how my mom had treated my boyfriend at our apartment the day of the accident. Even moreso, I couldn't believe she would sink low and make up a whole story  about him cheating on me. I was disappointed and sad about having to leave my home and that I lost everything I worked so hard for.  His family was supportive and welcoming, and I am grateful for how much they have helped us, but at the time, being around them made me sad...I guess because mine couldn't or refused to do the same. 

However, I am planning on trying to get to know his friends' girlfriends better. We went out a few weeks ago and it was fun. I didn't have many friends back home in CA and I guess traveling cross country, I realized how few people were actually there for me.  I've also started opening up to his mom more, because I realize how much she has truly helped us. Not only financially, but also emotionally, as she understands her son pretty well and what I've been going through.

I don't want to leave my boyfriend. I know some people may see this as codependency, toxic, unhealthy, but after everything that's happened, I cannot fathom the idea of not having him in my life. I made the decision to come with him to Texas, and deep down, I know it was the right one. Some people might not understand this- and I don't expect them to- but I know how much it hurt being apart before we first got together, and now after having lived together and  gotten even closer, I know the pain of being separated from him this time would be unbearable. I cannot stand the idea of coming home from work every day and him not being there...and being told "I told you so" and constantly reminded of my mistakes by my mother. I will admit that there were times when I did think about moving back- but now the idea of going back without a car, money, or the ability to leave and separate myself from the situation when it starts to get bad (and it will, it always does) terrifies me. 

Part of me wonders what would happen if I did contact my mom. I've actually had a couple dreams about it where it turned out well...the thing is, she feels like she was wronged and wants an apology. What about me? I can't help but think did she ever once stop and think about what I was going through? Yes, my actions affected her. My God, I'm so sorry to have inconvenienced her by asking for support in the first place that she could not put her own feelings of obvious hatred towards my boyfriend for one moment. Watching her and my boyfriend basically get into a screaming match and say such horrible and hurtful things to each other literally broke my heart.  She claims that she knew I was devastated but was a controlling bitch up until the end. And then to use something personal I had told her - against me PUBLICLY. I honestly don't know what I'd even say at this point.

I still get friggers. Or flashbacks. Sometimes its from the car crash. Other times I really miss my old apartment and my stuff. I know it sounds materialisticc but its not..its more of a missing what's familiar and regretful that I wasn't more careful with packing.