Update after the Weekend
The weekends for me have been difficult. You flounder to do something, and really don't know what direction to take. You realize that you are on your own now and not part of a union anymore. My heart is broken, and I am relying on God to give me strength to make it through each day. Saturday was rainy, and I spent the morning crying. Probably the hardest I have cried since my husband has passed. I realize I can't depend on my friends and family to babysit me. I have to put one foot out in front of the other and make my own way. I will, but all in good time. No pressure and no expectations. I am just lost and having to find my way with God's help. I know I love my home, and I know it is the only place I want to live. It would absolutely kill me to get so depressed that I wouldn't be able to work, pay the bills or keep my home. The realization is that we have to live somewhere, whether on our own or with someone. Being I am in my 50's, it is only logical that I would live on my own. I have always been independent, and will find that peace, resolvance and independence once more. It is slowly coming. My church friend told me that it would not matter where we lived, or whether we departed with everything that brought us pain. We would still feel the same way in the same body, and would carry that with us wherever we went. She is right. Only time, counseling, believe in God the father, and taking a day at a time will help any of us recover. I am blessed to have a good job, a lovely roof over my head that I find peace and contentment in, my family, and good friends that will listen to me, allow me to cry, and allow me to grieve my loss. I love my husband, the dear man I spent 38 years of my life with. He will always be a part of me, in my soul and in my heart. I don't know what the future will bring for me, but I don't need people making suggestions or forecasting my future either.Like we have all agreed. You can't relate unless you are walking in our shoes.
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Debbie - Your church friend has very good advice -that no matter where we go, we still confront ourselves. I get up every day, and go to work. At 4 a.m., with no one at the shop, I\'ve screamed, cried, and said over and over again \"I CAN\'T do this!\" And then I did it. After reading your posts, and your journals these weeks, I have no doubt you will do it, too. Depressed isn\'t even a strong enough word for how you\'re feeling. Despair, maybe. I curse a lot, so please forgive me, but if I said it once, I said it a thousand times - \"what the f\'\'k is the point??\" I have faith. I have taken a leap of faith. What else to do, but acknowledge that I have only so much control, and give it up to G-d? Rambling from a widow brain, Hugs, Marsha
Yes Marsha--It isn\'t so much depression as it is despair. Everything you think of brings a feeling of despair. Despair that I will have to get rid of my home because it isn\'t allowing me to feel better or get well. What the f\"k? I don\'t want to get rid of my home. I feel good in my home. It is my comfort zone. We worked too hard for that home. I need to remember that time is the key, and in time everything will start to fall into place for the better. Coming to work is a reminder. Do I have to quit work to recover? NO. Photos are a reminder, places, things, belongings. You can\'t erase everything to feel better. It comes with time. I hope so anyway. At least that\'s what everyone keeps telling me.
I pray to God every day to allow me to keep my home, love the life I have now been forced into, and hold my husband dear to my heart.
I expect too much for 3 months, I know. I never thought that after I lost my beloved, that there would be so much suffering. But to suffer is to know how much you loved them and what you lost.
I have always been in control, confident and sure of myself, as well as independent. That person is in there somewhere, but will come out in time in peace with herself. I pray for that anyway.
Hugs to you too Marsha. Glad you are there.