Update.... 9/20/12
Ashleigh, my 16 year old, entered Winnebego Mental Health Institute on August 30th, 2012. I've seen her twice since then as she's an hour away from us. I don't have regular communication with Winnebego Mental Health staff on how she's doing other than two staffings (one phone, one video conference).
We no longer are working with Ashleigh's counselor, her psychiatrist, or the parent coach. We are still working with family therapy and the social workers from time to time. Thankfully, the contact with the social workers isn't nearly what it was a few weeks ago.
My appointment book is dwindling. At most I have two appointments a day now. My husband is seeing a psychiatrist actively now for med management and is starting to take care of his other health needs through our family doctor. All good things. Darrian is back in school and she's seeming to be doing really well. Taking time out to love and respect herself while Ashleigh's not here. The chaos is nothing like it was.
So here I am, alone, still depressed, and feeling without a purpose.
When Ashleigh lived at home, my purpose was to be her advocate and mom. Now, I'm sitting on the sidelines. I've been outsourced, if you will. My role has been changed. Now I have to be me. And what does that entail? I don't know! On top of that, Ashleigh will be entering a treatment foster home after she's out of Winnebego for approximately 3-6 months. And while it hasn't happened yet, I am full of anxiety and stress about this eventual transition. She's my daughter and I should care for her, not someone else! It just seems wrong somehow! I know she's a tough one, but still... she's my daughter.
I know I don't want to go back to what it was. And although I hate the fact that she'll be going into foster care, it seems to be the best option. It seems to be the most appropriate fit given our family dynamic at this moment. Everyone has gone through so much hurt, anger, and resentment for one another... that now we all need to take advantage of this time and heal.
I have had a few moments of happiness while she's been gone too. And that quickly subsided and turned into sadness. Sadness for the fact that I couldn't feel that while she was here. I only felt it while she wasn't. And then it became clear to me that I was a bad person for feeling that way... despite my own individual need to feel happy. I couldn't separate myself from that "mom" status. How does one do that? Make themselves a priority after they are immersed in drama, chaos, and support systems?
I love my daughter, and I miss her. I don't miss how she was, but I hope when she returns, we can be the family I'd like us to be. Something more than we've been. In the meantime, I get to struggle with my sense of self as a person and as a mother. There is no way to fix this. It just is.
We no longer are working with Ashleigh's counselor, her psychiatrist, or the parent coach. We are still working with family therapy and the social workers from time to time. Thankfully, the contact with the social workers isn't nearly what it was a few weeks ago.
My appointment book is dwindling. At most I have two appointments a day now. My husband is seeing a psychiatrist actively now for med management and is starting to take care of his other health needs through our family doctor. All good things. Darrian is back in school and she's seeming to be doing really well. Taking time out to love and respect herself while Ashleigh's not here. The chaos is nothing like it was.
So here I am, alone, still depressed, and feeling without a purpose.
When Ashleigh lived at home, my purpose was to be her advocate and mom. Now, I'm sitting on the sidelines. I've been outsourced, if you will. My role has been changed. Now I have to be me. And what does that entail? I don't know! On top of that, Ashleigh will be entering a treatment foster home after she's out of Winnebego for approximately 3-6 months. And while it hasn't happened yet, I am full of anxiety and stress about this eventual transition. She's my daughter and I should care for her, not someone else! It just seems wrong somehow! I know she's a tough one, but still... she's my daughter.
I know I don't want to go back to what it was. And although I hate the fact that she'll be going into foster care, it seems to be the best option. It seems to be the most appropriate fit given our family dynamic at this moment. Everyone has gone through so much hurt, anger, and resentment for one another... that now we all need to take advantage of this time and heal.
I have had a few moments of happiness while she's been gone too. And that quickly subsided and turned into sadness. Sadness for the fact that I couldn't feel that while she was here. I only felt it while she wasn't. And then it became clear to me that I was a bad person for feeling that way... despite my own individual need to feel happy. I couldn't separate myself from that "mom" status. How does one do that? Make themselves a priority after they are immersed in drama, chaos, and support systems?
I love my daughter, and I miss her. I don't miss how she was, but I hope when she returns, we can be the family I'd like us to be. Something more than we've been. In the meantime, I get to struggle with my sense of self as a person and as a mother. There is no way to fix this. It just is.
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Youre doing whats right for everyone. Despite feeling so lonely and sad. You have nothing to feel bad about. In fact you should be proud you\'re able to love her enough to do what\'s right even when it hurts. You\'re a wonderful mother and dont forget that :)