UPDATE 4/11/2010
Firstly, i am sorry that i do not make it on here much anymore, i do care for you all very much and am sorry that i am not a good support to. But please trust me i have my reasons, and perhaps some day in the future i will be more able to support others in the way that so many of you have been so wonderful to me.
I've had to do what is right for me, for my health, for my happiness and for my life. And as odd as it may sound doing so has not been easy.
At the moment i picture myself at the beginning of a long road, but i am definitely on the road, this road is one to a life where ed is in the past and although not forgotten is no longer a hinderance in my life. Although i may take stepsback on this road, particularly at the beginning place in which i am currently, i never turn around, and that is the key, and i will continue looking forward, taking small steps forward even if i take a few back along the way.
I finally feel a little progress being made after well and truely hitting rock bottom a few weeks ago, which some of you may have noticed from my status and one very special person who i know from here also messaged me a lot one on one particularly horrific night. Not every day is good, and certainly not easy but i already feel happier, not all the time, but i do, my skin has already improved. And these little things help me to focus and know tht i am doing the right thing even when it seems impossible.
I will show the it is possible to truely live again after an eating disorder and i am willing to do what ever it takes to get my life back.
God has been teaching me some amazing truths which i truely believe have already altered the way i view myself for the better.
I started keeping a diary to try and process my thoughts just over a month ago, i thought id share a few little snipits:
"All of these thoughts are lies; fed to me by the king of lies Satan. So i will not endulge in them. I must instead wrap myself in God's truths about me. I am his beloved daughter; saved by the blood of Christ; made for greater things than this current sorry state of things. I should not care about what others think of me, only what my father in heaven thinks of me. It is not true that i deserve punishment, for Jesus has taken the punishment that i deserve on himself so that i can be free- i know this and so should live in the light of it."
"I must learn to believe that i deserve to be happy and that it is ok to like myself-for God made me and i am loved by him, to reject what he made is to reject him and i do not want to do that."
"I ate and felt guilty, but the voice of reason tells me: I ate because i was hungry, which means my body needed feeding, so naturally I got full, so then i can stop eating cuz my body has had enough."
"Joy everlasting is found in Christ not the things of this world"
"Who am i without my eating disorder?? I am a child of God and loved like crazy, other than that i dont know but if i let go and take a risk i can find out"
"No part of me can want this anymore, not a fibre of my being, because this is not living"
"I have the opportunity to go from being so extremely unhapy to someone very happy"
"one day at a time, one step at a time and I'll get there and it'll be worth it in the end"
"I am not huge, i am not disgusting, i am not ugly, in fact i am fine, i am me, i am made caringly by a loving father who fashioned me from his very own likeness and wht is more amazing than that?!"
I've had to do what is right for me, for my health, for my happiness and for my life. And as odd as it may sound doing so has not been easy.
At the moment i picture myself at the beginning of a long road, but i am definitely on the road, this road is one to a life where ed is in the past and although not forgotten is no longer a hinderance in my life. Although i may take stepsback on this road, particularly at the beginning place in which i am currently, i never turn around, and that is the key, and i will continue looking forward, taking small steps forward even if i take a few back along the way.
I finally feel a little progress being made after well and truely hitting rock bottom a few weeks ago, which some of you may have noticed from my status and one very special person who i know from here also messaged me a lot one on one particularly horrific night. Not every day is good, and certainly not easy but i already feel happier, not all the time, but i do, my skin has already improved. And these little things help me to focus and know tht i am doing the right thing even when it seems impossible.
I will show the it is possible to truely live again after an eating disorder and i am willing to do what ever it takes to get my life back.
God has been teaching me some amazing truths which i truely believe have already altered the way i view myself for the better.
I started keeping a diary to try and process my thoughts just over a month ago, i thought id share a few little snipits:
"All of these thoughts are lies; fed to me by the king of lies Satan. So i will not endulge in them. I must instead wrap myself in God's truths about me. I am his beloved daughter; saved by the blood of Christ; made for greater things than this current sorry state of things. I should not care about what others think of me, only what my father in heaven thinks of me. It is not true that i deserve punishment, for Jesus has taken the punishment that i deserve on himself so that i can be free- i know this and so should live in the light of it."
"I must learn to believe that i deserve to be happy and that it is ok to like myself-for God made me and i am loved by him, to reject what he made is to reject him and i do not want to do that."
"I ate and felt guilty, but the voice of reason tells me: I ate because i was hungry, which means my body needed feeding, so naturally I got full, so then i can stop eating cuz my body has had enough."
"Joy everlasting is found in Christ not the things of this world"
"Who am i without my eating disorder?? I am a child of God and loved like crazy, other than that i dont know but if i let go and take a risk i can find out"
"No part of me can want this anymore, not a fibre of my being, because this is not living"
"I have the opportunity to go from being so extremely unhapy to someone very happy"
"one day at a time, one step at a time and I'll get there and it'll be worth it in the end"
"I am not huge, i am not disgusting, i am not ugly, in fact i am fine, i am me, i am made caringly by a loving father who fashioned me from his very own likeness and wht is more amazing than that?!"
Replies
ahh, I like your jounral quotes, very true. One thought that helps me not give into my ED is thinking about my son. I look at my son with sooo much love, words cannot describe. He brightens my day, he is my life, and I adore him, I bore him, I give him soo much love and kisses. I think that how I look at my son is how God looks at me, and maybe even with more compassion and love. Everytime I hurt myself, I hurt God. I think what If I saw my son doing this, what I am doing to myself?? Ahhhhh, I would break and crumble. I dont want to hurt God like that. I want to make God happy, I want to make my life worth living and not live my life for my ED. One day at a time, I totally go by that. I am glad that you are taking the time out to take care of yourself, you desirve that %100. :o)
What an inspiration you are. I love your way to go about getting rid of ed because you are right he is satan and God loves you as his precious daughter and wants you to be happy and live for him not for ed. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and journal entries. I am so happy for you and I truly believe that you can beat this disease.
It makes me so happy to read that you\'ve made progress, and I know you will continue to make more and more progress. Keep your head up and keep fighting, I know you can beat this. Thinking of you lots. xoxox
I am so glad that you have been able to take these incredibly large steps. Reading this is truly inspiration and I hope you continue to post me on how you are doing. Everything you have written here is so true. I know that you can beat this. You are full of determination and strength.
Xx
wow hun i am so proud of u! you are doing super well! keep it up! xo god bless
So proud of you, sweetie! SO PROUD!
Kick UP!
xoxoxo