Update

Well  it has been almost 2 weeks now since Tim left. And the roller coaster ride has not ended. I have fibromyalgia and a flare has been building since July and I was able to keep it bay until a couple of days after Tim left. Well I was stubborn and wanted to try and get it to go away on my own. It worked for a few days , I was able to get it down from a 10+ to a 7. I was very proud and felt I was doing good and thought I could get rid of it  completely. You see I did not want to go into the hospital because I did not want Tim thinking he had that power over me. He came over Monday night to get the rest of his things and we had an excellent talk. I got the best hug ever when he walked into the apartment, I even asked him what he wanted from me. His response was I want my best friend back. I said ok what does that entail. He said we talk either via text, phone or in person, we do things together etc. So I said in other words you want to give us a chance and date and do things like we should have in the beginning and he said YES!!!! Even though I was exstatic I did not let him know that I just said we can do that. He explained about the 30 year old and it was not actual cheating, he is trying to get her into a 13 month treatment program as she is into meth. She is court ordered to go to treatment and ha only about a week before she will get put into jail. I am very proud of what he is trying to do ,just not the way he lied to me. I am also worried it is too soon in his recovery to try helping someone else. Anyways it went great and when he left I got the best hug and kiss I have gotten from him but oh boy was it hard watching him walk back out that door again. We have been talking everyday since. Anyways I think it was the final straw that broke the camels back as my flare came back to over 10+ again. So yesterday I called my doctor to make sure I had his permission to go to the er as if I do not do that they look and treat me like I am drug seeking. I had the best doctor and he gave me what I told him I normally get and holy moly was higher than a kite, I have slept most of today but the pain is back down to a 4.

Besides talking to Tim and working on things with him I have also been talking to an old friend from high school who has tried numerous times since high school to get together with me. Well when he called me I told him flat out right now I am very raw and need a friend a really good friend and he has been just that and very calming to me. He has his own health issues and problems and needed a friend too so it was a perfect fit. 

Here is where my roller coaster came into play. He one night asked me what happened with Jerred. So me being me said sure and I totally lived that week all over again. Actually more then I even thought I remembered. He was crying as I told and said he just could not imagine going through that. I told him I do not wish it on my worst enemy and he said he does not think he could get though it and I said yes you would as you find strength where you have no idea where it comes from but it does. This also is what I think set off the flare. I just could not handle anymore The night we talked about it was a 5 hour conversation. Afterwards when we were off the phone I thought to myself how many more times this year am I going to have to relive Jerreds death as I had to talk about it numerous times at my new church that has since closed. In fact that is where I was told about this group. This whole year I have talked more about my Angel then in all the 24 years since he left me to go to his beautiuful home in Heaven. I am at a breaking point with that right now if someone else asks me I do not know what I will do tell them it is none of there business, slap them or just turn and walk away. He is always in my heart and on my mind anyways but I am not constantly reliving that week. It has not left my mind since that night and that was saturday night. 

I guess what I am saying to all who have les years into this process than I do is it is never ending. Sometimes I think the memories become more vivd instead of fading. I feel like I am rambling but felt everyone needed to know that at least for me it does not or has not faded at all. Forgive the ramble I just needed to get this all out of me.

Heart to heart and hand to hand we are all sisters and I love you all

Blessings,Susie