UpBeatness Update
Well, as you can expect, my UpBeatness took a big hit with the death of my daughter. I have finally readjusted my progress and will adjust it again, as I adjust myself. It actually plunged to zero but I can't stay there. I can't stand myself like that.
My daughter was a wonderful person when she was well. She lived to be 34 and I have finally come to understand how she moved on to completing her own death. She was so tired of sinking into that pit. I've come to understand the pain of being almost, but not quite, catatonic for months, while having the knowledge that it will keep happening over and over again for the rest of her life. The meds didn't help. Psychotherapy didn't help. She had suffered for 10 years with it. She was very gregarious and active when she was well, but she knew the moment she began sinking again. She tried natural methods from diet to acupunture. She seemed to become more delusional over time as well. I didn't see it all because she didn't live with me. She lived an hour and a half away in the city with her husband. He is having a hard time too. He keeps telling me maybe he should have paid more attention. It's not his fault. We all knew her illness. We just couldn't accept how fatal it can be.
Her husband wrote a beautiful obituary. She had a beautiful memorial service too. Members from the art community got up and said really nice things about her as did her therapist and people from where she used to work. The service was held in an art gallery and one of her friends, a concert pianist, played as a slideshow ran through the high points of her life.
I will miss her so much. She was the most interesting person I've ever known.
My daughter was a wonderful person when she was well. She lived to be 34 and I have finally come to understand how she moved on to completing her own death. She was so tired of sinking into that pit. I've come to understand the pain of being almost, but not quite, catatonic for months, while having the knowledge that it will keep happening over and over again for the rest of her life. The meds didn't help. Psychotherapy didn't help. She had suffered for 10 years with it. She was very gregarious and active when she was well, but she knew the moment she began sinking again. She tried natural methods from diet to acupunture. She seemed to become more delusional over time as well. I didn't see it all because she didn't live with me. She lived an hour and a half away in the city with her husband. He is having a hard time too. He keeps telling me maybe he should have paid more attention. It's not his fault. We all knew her illness. We just couldn't accept how fatal it can be.
Her husband wrote a beautiful obituary. She had a beautiful memorial service too. Members from the art community got up and said really nice things about her as did her therapist and people from where she used to work. The service was held in an art gallery and one of her friends, a concert pianist, played as a slideshow ran through the high points of her life.
I will miss her so much. She was the most interesting person I've ever known.
Replies
I am so sorry to hear of your loss....I do know what a catatonic is but I did not know you had daughter who suffered from that....it must have been hard...did she end her own life or die of something else? I am so sorry...I just wanted to know because one is easier to deal with than the other...I am again sorry for your loss
Your description of your daughter was indeed a tribute to her. Sometimes our best intentions cannot change a person\'s control over their destiny. But we still wish with all our hearts that we could. Martha \"Jean\"
Thanks Jean for your comment. I wonder if now she\'ll have to come back again. I know it isn\'t popular with my Christian Faith, but she often said she felt older than she was. Even as a kid she acted like she had done life before. She wasn\'t too happy right after I gave birth to her that\'s for sure. She didn\'t cry, she just looked at me as if to say, Ah no! Where am I, and who are you?!!
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Thanks for sharing your daughter with us. Try to take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Nell
The mood fluctuations can be so dramatic, especially so early in the journey. It sounds like your daughter was a phenomenal, artistic person. Life for artists can sometimes be difficult - they feel so deeply.
Your description of her sounds very similar to my Lisa. I think they must be comparing notes!
I do believe that on some level it was their destiny that they leave this world too soon. I don\'t like it but it was not my destiny but Lisa\'s. And ours is to stay behind - there are days that I don\'t much care for it either!
Love and tight hugs, M
I am sorry that your daighter struggled so...it is such a helpless feeling to see such hopelessness in our children and to feel it ourselves when we can\'t do anything. Losing a child is a roller coaster ride...so feel what you feel. I found writing journals so very helpful. I hope it helps you as well. Gentle hugs...Karen
Your daughter sounds like an exceptional woman in every way and to suffer from a disease such as she did had to be so very debilitating on every level, She certainly tried many modalities of healing and no one can know what it felt like to be in her skin. I have no doubt each of you loved her well and it is no one\'s fault, yet when our children leave by their own hand it leaves so many unanswered questions and such a fall out of every emotion.
Gentle care to you as you sort through your memories and heart. I look forward to getting to know you and your daughter better. We come to truly love one another\'s children here and I\'m not sure how it happens, yet it does.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie