Up's and downs on my path.
I am still discovering the unexpected and illogical up's and downs on my path of grief.
Yesterday was my late husband's birthday. He died 8 years ago, and I felt a huge relief when he passed. I never mourned him, or missed him. We did not have a good marriage. But yesterday I felt very sad, and close to tears. In church we were told about a special congregation meeting on the 12 th June. That is the date when he died. My mind wondered to the 12 th July, when my Colleen passed away. I cried through the church service. For the first time I cried over my Colleen and my late husband! I don't understand my emotions at all. I couldn't do anything when I got home, and my sick daughter, Melany, had to make lunch and dinner. At times, when she spoke to me, I responded by crying and laughing, all at the same time. I think I am losing my mind!
Yesterday was my late husband's birthday. He died 8 years ago, and I felt a huge relief when he passed. I never mourned him, or missed him. We did not have a good marriage. But yesterday I felt very sad, and close to tears. In church we were told about a special congregation meeting on the 12 th June. That is the date when he died. My mind wondered to the 12 th July, when my Colleen passed away. I cried through the church service. For the first time I cried over my Colleen and my late husband! I don't understand my emotions at all. I couldn't do anything when I got home, and my sick daughter, Melany, had to make lunch and dinner. At times, when she spoke to me, I responded by crying and laughing, all at the same time. I think I am losing my mind!
Replies
Oh Andelene, I remember the days when I felt so much the same. Any death even on a TV show, is hard for me though and will dig up old feelings in me. Odd, this grief! I lost my mom a year and a half before Josh. I sought counseling because I had such mixed feelings about my parents. I was somewhat relieved when my mom died because it ended her suffering but also because it ended her extreme mood changes when the anger was usually directed at me. I was in counseling until the therapist left the insurance plan. I thought about going after Josh died but found the ladies here to keep me sane so I think I can relate to how you are feeling now. Just hang in there, it does get better... Sending you love and prayers, lots of it!
The ups & downs of it all - I just hate it. I am so much more sensitive now and I can only handle so much before I am a maniac. Yesterday at Walmart, too many people, spent way too much time there, too late in the day, etc and I am one craazy lady with a shopping cart in Walmart and crying too......
I\'m sorry for your sadness, but it is so nice to know I\'m not alone. (((hugs))) Vicki
Andelene, I have been there too.Especially in church when something triggers my tears. You are not losing your mind. Its just that grief rears its ugly head when it wants.
Gentle hugs of understanding, Linda
At least you are going to church, I can\'t go anymore. With you on this journey. Hope tomorrow is better. Peace, Kathy
I am like Kathy said At least you are going to church. I tried on two separate occasions and decided I can\'t go. You are not losing your mind. We don\'t have any control when the tears start flowing. I have had it to happen and I also feel like I am losing my mind. Tight hugs to you, Nell
Truth is, this journey plain out sucks. Hang in there, a new day is coming. Big (HUGS) Sue xo
No dear, you\'re not losing your mind....our emotions, and the times and ways in which they pour out of us sometimes can seemingly be strange, but truth is, it\'s all \"normal\". Whether we can\'t cry, or cry all day long....whether we\'ve cried everyday since \"that\" day, or haven\'t cried for years or at all....it\'s all normal and ok. I haven\'t cried for losing my father. I did cry briefly, once, for the relationship that was lost that never really was....if that makes sense. And dates can surely trigger our emotions. No matter how many times we tell ourselves it\'s just another day, some days just are not \"just another day\".
Love you sweet friend~~
I hope that a blessing will come out of your sadness... that you have come to the point where you can forgive your husband... not for his sake but for yours... How sad it must have been for you to see the love and the dreams you had for your life together destroyed...
I don\'t go to church either any more... I believe in God... but I felt so let down over and over by the church all through the years... the one place in the world I thought I\'d find love, comfort, acceptance... it didn\'t happen and finally I gave myself permission to remove myself from that place that only hurt me...
I don\'t think you\'re going crazy at all... the at times total instability of my moods became my norm after Cara died... and if I am crazy... I just have to think to myself, so I\'m crazy... maybe I\'ll find some comfort in not worrying about it... or about what other people think so much... Its been a burden... and I just don\'t want to do it any more... Sending you hugs and I hope maybe even a smile thinking of me shaking my fist at the world... *Smile*
I am sorry you had an emotional and tearful day. ((((HUG)))) If I could make them all happy for you, I surely would.You are so sweet and I hate that you are suffering so much.Praying for you and for these emotions to settle down for you.Love you, and I care.
I had a long response written yesterday - which went off in to cyberspace. Just know I have been thinking about you. Grieving is so very unpredictable. All I can say is to go with the flow. I always tell myself \'tomorrow will be a better day\'.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene