Up\'s and Down\'s

Oh my, I have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I got a good nights sleep, but still feel exhausted. Took a shower hopng it would help, but I seem to have a cloud hanging over my head today. My grandson is back in the hospital. At first they were just going to admit him, change his medication and hook an IV for fuilds, then my daughter called back and said they moved him to the ICU, he was having problems breathing, some problem with his blood pressure and dehydrated. I hate feeling so helpless. I don't drive at night due to night blindness, but i called the limo service I use for times like this and was just about on my way to the hospital, when my daughter called back and said not to worry. They have him stable, and there was nothing i could do. I still wanted to be there for her. The best I was able to do was rent her a hotel across the street from the hospital to make sure she gets some rest. Its more then that today. Sometimes I just don't know what is up with me. I use to be so organized. For the past few months I have just tossed everything in a box, versus I use to file everything properly. I was one of those weirdos that checked their credit cards and bank balances everyday to make sure all was right. Hell I didn't even look to see if I was paid yestersay, still haven't. I let my bills sit until they are due. I have all the companies I do business with e-mail when the statement is ready and I use to pay it right then and there. Now I wait till they show up in the mail. I have a phone bill here that is out of this world, instead of questioning it, I just paid it. Figured I would get around to asking about it later. Still haven't done it. I guess I am feeling a little reckless, which isn't who I am, or isn't who I use to be. I was just always so on top of things, and now it seems like such a fucking effort. Hell, I haven't even picked up my mail all week.  I managed to vaccum the other day, dog hair everywhere, but that was an effort as well. For a person that use to be a perfectionist I am really slacking. Thank goodness the cleaning crew is coming out next week. I suppose these are the ups and down people talk about. I even canceled my theripist appointment for this morning. Just don't feel like talking to him today. I don't really feel like talking to anyone, just feeling kind of sad. Like going and getting back into bed and pulling the covers over my head, but I can't do that. I have a date this afternoon. I really should cancel, but I hate to do that to someone after they took the time to make plans all week. And then this dating thing. I hate it more and more. Since when was there so many losers in the world??? Not to forget to mention it is ruining my diet. I would prefer just coffee, but they all want to go eat. I am a food junkie, I will never turn down a meal. I have taken off 5 pounds in the last three weeks and managed to keep it off. Thank goodness I don't date during the week, its the only thing saving me. I got up and took  a shower just to try and wash some of todays sadness away. Sometimes it works, not today. I got out and took a good look at what the hair dresser did to my hair yesterday. It looks ok, she did a good job as always, but when does an inch or two turn into 5 or 6? Next time I am taking a fucking ruler. I just wanted the split ends cut off. I was unable to reach any of my friends last night that I called or texted. That sort of pissed me off. I am always there for them no matter what, and I don't reach out for help to often, I'm much better at giving then receiving most of the time. Maybe that is my downfall in life that I need to work on. All my friends always think that I am alright all the time, that I can bounce back from anything and quickly. They just have no idea how hard it is for me to do on my own at times. The constant checks and balances that I do to make sure I"m alright with who I am. Sometimes it would just be so much easier to forget about all the thinking I do and just go out and have some fun with them. Shit, I need to contact my lunch date and let him know that I just might not be the best company today. I'll leave it up to him to see if he wants to do it another time. i hate doing that to someone on the first date. Who knows, just getting out of the house should do me good, it normally works, and it is a beautiful day out. So what now??? Bed is still looking really good.