Up high.
I've been sitting around my hospital room. My window has thee best view of the upstairs parking lot. It's quite a view...lucky gal me. Watching the cars park, silly people parking sideways. My room is at the top of the building, and I can just stare down at all the people. They seem so far, because I'm so high up. And the thought occurred to me of what it would be like to jump down from out of the window. You'll either most certainly die, or you may live...very unlikely though. I don't believe that would be a very happy existence after a jump like that. I would hate for that to happen.
I had my body basically pressed against the window, and the nurses probably thought I was insane. The lady actually asked me to be careful and to maybe step away. This was probably because they can all view my medical history and the fact that I've gone to a Behavioral Center for self injury and for being suicidal, amongst other things. But the obsession I had to actually look down at how far up I am. There was a ledge right in front of the window and I thought how nice yet awfully scary it would be to sit on the ledge and let my feet dangle from up so high. Being that high up. It would be very dangerous, obviously. But I've always been one to do things in my life that make me remember that I am alive. It was just wanting to feel something. Though, of course, I couldn't open the window and go sit on the ledge. Unfortunately. But I would. Especially at night. And no, I wouldn't jump...I would just simply admire.
It reminded me of when my Grandfather would take me out on his houseboat. That boat was the tallest boat out on the water. You could climb up a ladder to the top of the boat, and at the top it was an open balcony where you can go lay out. It was quite high up, and I always thought it was going to tip over. Of course, it never did. But I would climb over the railing surrounding the open balcony, and sit on this thin ledge, dangling my legs and looking down at the water. Not the most safe, but then again, there was water right beneath me so something could so easily catch me if I fell. I loved that idea, it made me feel safe in a sense, since in reality there is absolutely nothing to catch me when I fall. So many times I would stand on the ledge when the boat was settled and stopped, I would face the wind and without thinking a single thought I would jump from the top into the water. I would do this many times over again. And I would go so deep down, I wondered if I was going to come back up. But I was relaxed. Coming back up from the water, and feeling so cold with my lips all trembling, but the feeling of water all around me and how it felt when I came back up and began to breathe again. If I ever had to choose the way I was going to die, it would be to drown. The most peaceful, in my mind. The water all around, slowing losing conciousness. I could deal with a death such as that. But with the waters sweet embrace all around me. I don't normally get embraced and held by anything or anyone, so in a way to me it was always second best. It sounds silly, that's because it is, I know.
And as I write, some poor lady just tripped and fell in the parking lot. Oh dear. I'd like to go help her, but she's quite far away from me. All well...as long as she didn't fall off a tall ledge, I guess. It could be worse.
I had my body basically pressed against the window, and the nurses probably thought I was insane. The lady actually asked me to be careful and to maybe step away. This was probably because they can all view my medical history and the fact that I've gone to a Behavioral Center for self injury and for being suicidal, amongst other things. But the obsession I had to actually look down at how far up I am. There was a ledge right in front of the window and I thought how nice yet awfully scary it would be to sit on the ledge and let my feet dangle from up so high. Being that high up. It would be very dangerous, obviously. But I've always been one to do things in my life that make me remember that I am alive. It was just wanting to feel something. Though, of course, I couldn't open the window and go sit on the ledge. Unfortunately. But I would. Especially at night. And no, I wouldn't jump...I would just simply admire.
It reminded me of when my Grandfather would take me out on his houseboat. That boat was the tallest boat out on the water. You could climb up a ladder to the top of the boat, and at the top it was an open balcony where you can go lay out. It was quite high up, and I always thought it was going to tip over. Of course, it never did. But I would climb over the railing surrounding the open balcony, and sit on this thin ledge, dangling my legs and looking down at the water. Not the most safe, but then again, there was water right beneath me so something could so easily catch me if I fell. I loved that idea, it made me feel safe in a sense, since in reality there is absolutely nothing to catch me when I fall. So many times I would stand on the ledge when the boat was settled and stopped, I would face the wind and without thinking a single thought I would jump from the top into the water. I would do this many times over again. And I would go so deep down, I wondered if I was going to come back up. But I was relaxed. Coming back up from the water, and feeling so cold with my lips all trembling, but the feeling of water all around me and how it felt when I came back up and began to breathe again. If I ever had to choose the way I was going to die, it would be to drown. The most peaceful, in my mind. The water all around, slowing losing conciousness. I could deal with a death such as that. But with the waters sweet embrace all around me. I don't normally get embraced and held by anything or anyone, so in a way to me it was always second best. It sounds silly, that's because it is, I know.
And as I write, some poor lady just tripped and fell in the parking lot. Oh dear. I'd like to go help her, but she's quite far away from me. All well...as long as she didn't fall off a tall ledge, I guess. It could be worse.
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