Unstable
Basically in the past two weeks I've had ups and downs. Last monday my psych told me the level of lithium still isn't high enough so the dose is now up to 1000mg. And I can go for bloodwork again next week, yey. Nearly lethargic about it now. Keyword being nearly.
In any case I wanted my dose to go up because I wasn't doing well and this week university has started again for me. I got through the first lectures pretty well but today I felt the tiredness. Three hours of lectures and I found myself dozing off and spacing out after the first half hour. Admittedly, the subject wasn't exactly helping either. I hope none of you ever head the displeasure of learning about language philosophy. "What is said, that is, is true, and what is said, that isnt, that is, isn't true" and more of such jabbering. I would make jokes about it turning one suicidal if i wouldn't find it so inappropriate in my case. When I finally left the lecture hall, I saw many groups of students standing around. They were just discussing the topics, some were getting drinks together, others were going to study together. Even though I have friends at my association and I know some people of my faculty by face or name, I've never had the opportunity to make friends there because I was always dropping out with depression. It suddenly hit me in the face and I felt myself tearing up, so I escaped to a nearby church and sat down in the chapel to cry and calm down. Later when I went down to the library to study I once again noticed that I had trouble concentrating. There was a siren somewhere outside that was making me really anxious. Even when it stopped I still felt anxious about studying. My reading pace is a lot slower than usual and whatnot. Everything is just harder and I get tired so easily. I was biking with my friend and she was constantly getting ahead of me and having to stop for me to catch up. "Im not going that fast right?" "No. I'm just slow." When I'm in the hospital even the elderly are faster in the hallways than me.
There are fun moments too ofc. Was at a great party tuesday and am really looking forward to watching the national iceskating games this weekend. My mood generally isn't bad really, but I'm quite vulnerable and unstable. I hope I will still improve 'caus my studying needs it badly.
In any case I wanted my dose to go up because I wasn't doing well and this week university has started again for me. I got through the first lectures pretty well but today I felt the tiredness. Three hours of lectures and I found myself dozing off and spacing out after the first half hour. Admittedly, the subject wasn't exactly helping either. I hope none of you ever head the displeasure of learning about language philosophy. "What is said, that is, is true, and what is said, that isnt, that is, isn't true" and more of such jabbering. I would make jokes about it turning one suicidal if i wouldn't find it so inappropriate in my case. When I finally left the lecture hall, I saw many groups of students standing around. They were just discussing the topics, some were getting drinks together, others were going to study together. Even though I have friends at my association and I know some people of my faculty by face or name, I've never had the opportunity to make friends there because I was always dropping out with depression. It suddenly hit me in the face and I felt myself tearing up, so I escaped to a nearby church and sat down in the chapel to cry and calm down. Later when I went down to the library to study I once again noticed that I had trouble concentrating. There was a siren somewhere outside that was making me really anxious. Even when it stopped I still felt anxious about studying. My reading pace is a lot slower than usual and whatnot. Everything is just harder and I get tired so easily. I was biking with my friend and she was constantly getting ahead of me and having to stop for me to catch up. "Im not going that fast right?" "No. I'm just slow." When I'm in the hospital even the elderly are faster in the hallways than me.
There are fun moments too ofc. Was at a great party tuesday and am really looking forward to watching the national iceskating games this weekend. My mood generally isn't bad really, but I'm quite vulnerable and unstable. I hope I will still improve 'caus my studying needs it badly.
Replies
Your honesty is admirable. I feel you esp. where you write about going to the church and crying after seeing people socializing and you feeling out of place and dropping out of things because of depression. That really reminds me of myself. I hope that you get the quicker reactions you would like to see. I wonder if coffee would help. Hmmm. I\'m not sure how caffeine reacts with lithium. Thank you for being so bravely honest and sharing it with us. Massive hugs for you.
you have my deepest sympathy. I know exactly the situations you\'ve been through these days. You know you can count on me if you need help, or just someone to talk. :) huge hugs!!!
lightbright mentioned coffee. I actually finnd that it does help me sometimes. Give me a bit of a boost in my mood and energy level. Not a cure, by any means, but I think it does have some benefit.
Thanks you guys :) Getting so many reactions so quickly makes me feel very cared for. Even though I\'m not religious, I really like churches. If I\'m in the city and suddenly caught by sadness or anxiety they are a great refuge. I like their atmosphere and silence.
Even though I do like the smell, I don\'t like the taste of coffee, unless it\'s properly mixed with something else like chocolate or made into a frappiato. I think it has as many good as bad effects to it so I think I\'ll stay away from it. The way I fire myself up is with music. Loud and with a lot of rhythm/beat, it\'s so contagious I can\'t help but move. ^^