Unless You\'ve Been There
My life is like an uncharted island in the Pacific Ocean. Unless you've been there, you cannot possibly imagine it, and a picture just isn't the same. Many people have it worse than me, I know that. My situation isn't the worst there has ever been. But, I am unable to handle it. I cannot deal with this any longer. I pull through each day, smiling at everyone, and dying on the inside. I don't have physical contact with anyone other than my son. My friends are all online. Never a real hug or anyone to hold me as I cry. I spend any time that I have alone, crying in a ball in my bathroom- unable to cope, with no one to pull me back from my sadness. No one to hold me and say that it will be alright. Most days, I cannot leave the house because of him, and because of my son. I have no friends who will rush over and save me. I have no one to call for help. I deal with my son's problems, my husband's addictions and abuse on my own. I spend my days worried and paranoid. I have lost all of who I am, with a shattered soul and a pain deep inside of myself. No one sees what I am really going through. How can they? No one knows this pain. No one understands. Everything is easier said than done.Every single day, I want to die. Every single day I consider it. All that is stopping me is a five-year-old boy.Unless you've been there, you can't possibly understand.
Replies
You\'re right, I doubt I could begin to understand. Yet, even though you may not see it, I can see your strength and resolve. Your son is so special. I\'m sure he cannot begin to understand what has taken place. Your role in his life is such a blessing. Your love for him and desire to put his needs first is beautiful and such a blessing. God Bless you and you son.
Melinda-
I can understand, precisely because I have been there. And I know it\'s hard because I was taken out of my situation by forces bigger than myself, but I\'m here to tell you that there IS more out there for you. There is a better life out there. Are you not close to your parents? Is there anybody at all around you that you can share the depth of your problems too, taht can give you a hand? I\'m here for you, really I am, but distance doesn\'t help here. Melinda, you are a beautiful, young woman w/ so much to give, so much love for that beautiful little boy of yours and who deserves so much more than what you\'re getting right now. I totally understand you, you can message me anytime you wish to, I am going to email you my personal email address. I just see so much of myself in you, because that\'s how I was when my dh was alive...I had no idea who the heck I was and still to this day I\'m surprised b y how much influence he still has in my life, but I\'m working on it and so can you.
I have been where you are. A different situation but I know that feeling. I have no one to turn to either not a single friend and no living family members other than my two children. I know how alone you feel. There is no choice but to face it on your own. You tried to leave once but you need more help than what your family can give you. You need to have the doctor find some resources for you through the autistic foundation. I\'m praying and praying as soon as I finish this message. If I lived near you I would have you come live with me !!!!!!!!! I mean that. You still need your parents though and what support they can give you. Do not leave your son alone with a man who will hurt him. You know first hand how far it will go. All it takes is one blow or push thats a little to hard.......... Violence only esculates. It rarely stops!!!!!
You are right, I don\'t know what you are going through. It is unimaginable to me as to what you are going through. From the outside looking in, I can only naturally wish that I could help more. I am always thinking of you and wondering how you are doing.
I know how if feels to fake a smile while dying inside. Everyday I wake up and put on that smile for my kids, while secretly wishing I could disappear. I also do not have friends except the ones I have online, it\'s such an isolating existence. It\'s hard not having anyone you can turn to, or count on when you need someone.
Melinda I know I can\'t possibly imagine your feelings and pain, but I want you to know that I\'m here and I do understand alittle of what you feel. If you need to talk, vent, or whatever I\'ll always be ready to listen without pressure or judgements.
I wish I could give you a real hug but this will have to do
*** BIGGEST HUG YOU CAN IMAGINE IN THE WHOLE WORLD***