Unearthing some stuff today
I have to say it is good to get to the root of some of what I have been doing wrong in dealing with the demise of this relationship. I know this is totally normal and part of the process.
Trouble is I have been doing this for years.
It wore me out and I said No More for me. I shut him out because it was so painful.
And then he left with another woman in hot pursuit and she still is. I told him this week, go for it if that is what you want but these divorce papers need to get handled and he said no to both. WTF
He is not the handsomest man on earth, but he is highly charismatic. He is an extremely talented singer, songwriter, blues harmonica player. He is a flirt, he is a schmoozer. He exudes sexuality. Stepping away from it as his wife I can see why women are attracted.
Women are drawn to him like flies to a pile of dog poop.
He did little to set healthy boundaries and he admits that. And he has lied to me over some of them.
I got to a juvenile mindset and while I kind of did not want him, I didn't want anyone else to have him either. I am trying to get past that and think I am there. Ladies, you can have him. He ain't all that and a bag o' chips.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. And that ain't happening.
I wish I had handled some stuff earlier and differently. But I am where I am. So Be It.
I got tempted a few months ago to send him an email full of advice on how to do better in his next relationship but decided he did not deserve to know that. :) He'll either figure it out or he won't.
Trouble is I have been doing this for years.
It wore me out and I said No More for me. I shut him out because it was so painful.
And then he left with another woman in hot pursuit and she still is. I told him this week, go for it if that is what you want but these divorce papers need to get handled and he said no to both. WTF
He is not the handsomest man on earth, but he is highly charismatic. He is an extremely talented singer, songwriter, blues harmonica player. He is a flirt, he is a schmoozer. He exudes sexuality. Stepping away from it as his wife I can see why women are attracted.
Women are drawn to him like flies to a pile of dog poop.
He did little to set healthy boundaries and he admits that. And he has lied to me over some of them.
I got to a juvenile mindset and while I kind of did not want him, I didn't want anyone else to have him either. I am trying to get past that and think I am there. Ladies, you can have him. He ain't all that and a bag o' chips.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. And that ain't happening.
I wish I had handled some stuff earlier and differently. But I am where I am. So Be It.
I got tempted a few months ago to send him an email full of advice on how to do better in his next relationship but decided he did not deserve to know that. :) He'll either figure it out or he won't.
Replies
Reading your entry was essentially reading my own thoughts. My STBX has the same characteristics of yours. I feel that had he set the boundaries that I asked of him with all these \"random\" female friends, then maybe our marriage would have lasted.
I had a long talk with one of our close mutual friends the other day when I was having issues with my STBX. He told me that I did everything a woman could do to hold my marriage together. My STBX is a lier and does not understand what it means to be faithful. The women that he is with do not know this yet. Once they find out, they are sure to leave him because a real woman will not accept this behavior. My STBX will have to hit bottom before he realizes all that he has done to me, his sons, his family and friends.
Like you, I have wanted to email him advice, but I stopped myself. For one, I have garnered a lot of dignity and self respect and helping him with anything at this point degrades that. Also, he has to learn from his mistakes. In addition, you cannot assist someone who does not want to be assisted. Friends and family have tried numerous interventions and he has blown them all off saying he is happier and thinking more clearly than he ever has. He is delusional and believing his own lies. You cannot help someone like that. They have to reach out for help themselves. All we as soon to be divorcees\' can do is sit back and watch them crumble.
Sweetie, this so resonates with me. My ex and I have a lot of mutual friends, male and female. It is interesting who has stood by me, of both genders.
They see it. I am too old and tired of the games around it and have been cautious who I speak with.
I have known him since I was 12, so the history is long and it is very telling who has cut me out. I love his family deeply and I do keep in touch with them and that is private and has zero to do with him. They are failing in health and if I got a call that one died today I would be at the funeral.
The ties are deep and hard to cut.
I am, like you, be true to myself., take the high road, keep self respect up and move on somehow.
Ignore the crap.
Thank you for your constant wisdom.
Amy (PS What is your first name? I get tired of not knowing people\'s real names)
My first name is Wanda. Concerning the mutual friends, a great majority have stood by my side, but I also lost a few. They did not want to be in the middle of anything, so they just stopped talking to me altogether. They see my STBX, but even their relationship is strained. My STBX does not understand how his actions affected more than just our marriage and our sons. It affected an entire network of people. I have always told myself, if someone is meant to be in my life, then they will be. Through the good and the bad, a real friend will not leave your side. So for the friends who have just dropped off, so be it. I will be okay.
My STBX\'s family has been my family for the last 16 years and they do not support his behavior. In fact, my STBX avoids any and all contact with them. They constantly check on me and my boys and have told me that just because I am divorcing him, I am not divorcing them. It warms my heart by all the support I have gotten through this ordeal, but in the end, it is up to me to move forward to a healthier physical and mental state. Stay strong and thanks for all of your advice.
I am happy to know that you have that family support. I get a little and it makes a difference. And it has nothing to do with him, just their love for me. He made their life a wreck and mine at times, and they know it.
I need to reach out to one woman who was my friend and is a friend of his and see if I can fix that. If not, so be it.
Wanda is a great name!
Amy