Understanding

Understood?? If I cant be understood maybe I shoud just be 6 feet  under and on top standing will you be there crying?? Why cry for me when Its too late?? Where was the compasion and understanding before i decided to go home?? Will the weather be better in Heaven?? Or will it pour on me all the time?? Will I even go to heaven?? IS THERE EVEN A HEAVEN!!!  To find out do I have to die? I am already dieing inside...I am cutting my flesh to bring mysef back to reality...What is reality??? Is it that I am a weak loser?? Or that I am just made to feel pain...Pain is real...Reality is pain...Why cant this change..Why is it my life?? What have I done?? Was I really born this way?? Or has something been done...What dont I remember...Why am I so scared...why am I so lost..why does no one in my life care? This site may be saving my life...But I feel like I am failing everyone who belives in me...