Uncomfortably numb
I always wondered what it would feel like to be manic. I never have energy, never have those grandiose ideas and thoughts that are pushed forward with tenacity and drive, perhaps I could actually do something instead of feeling like a slug. A slug in pain, pushed down all through my body. I am uncomfortably numb.
There is this idea that you have to be so uncomfortable that you're propelled to move in order to make change. I do not get excited by much of anything, at least not to the point of being able to move. I have a son who needs me to provide structure and here I am, a slug. I cannot get my own crap together, so how do I provide this structured day for him?
My shoulders, neck, and head hurt with a dull ache. Is it physical? Is it psychological? WTF can't I just simply let it go and let God, like that old AA saying? I know that is part of what I need to do, but I feel as though the meds I take to keep my blood pressure down and my mood to semi-functional again make me numb. There are many things I should do, want to do (sort of), and yet I slither along with the speed and slime of a slug. And numb does not effect change. Numb is numb and in my case really just masks the deep, lingering pain of loss and frustration and a life with so much joy to be had that just wilts away.
I think my daughter needs a therapist and I'm not sure how to find one for her. Therapy is so... personal. She is full of anger and pain and I'm afraid a lot of it is my fault. Being a slug is nothing new. I need to figure out who takes our insurance and get her an appointment. She needs someone neutral to talk to and I have too much junk of my own. I listen, but I know I have a filter of a broken teenager on. I want to be a mediator as an adult and it's hard when my child is fixed in her view of the world. But she is worth every ounce of effort. My gosh, I used to wish that I could go back to the past and never meet her father, so that I would be a little older when I had her. But now I know that she came to me when I needed her and she is an amazing gift to me. I had to have something more important than myself to propel me to change. I would have put up with BS from my ex-husband for a lot longer, mostly because I was immature and wanted to be loved and did not recognize that I deserved better. My daughter definitely deserved better than him and that's how I did it.That and having supportive parents who would take me and my baby girl in.
I'm rambling. Sorry. I had a really rough night of pain and inability to sleep coupled with a kid waking me up since she had an upset stomach. Now I can hear my son playing in his room. Time to put back on the mommy apron and be mom. It's so hard to focus on anything. I cannot write. I cannot get anywhere with my ancestral research. I clean only what is absolutely necessary. I want to do more and cannot.
My husband worked 70 hours last week. On salary. He's probably going to match that this week AND he is sick. WTF do I have to complain about?
Oh yeah, I'm supposed to stop writing and tend to my kids. Kids. Right. Away from the computer and back to kids. But my gosh my body is so tense. If only Calgon could take me away!
DD
There is this idea that you have to be so uncomfortable that you're propelled to move in order to make change. I do not get excited by much of anything, at least not to the point of being able to move. I have a son who needs me to provide structure and here I am, a slug. I cannot get my own crap together, so how do I provide this structured day for him?
My shoulders, neck, and head hurt with a dull ache. Is it physical? Is it psychological? WTF can't I just simply let it go and let God, like that old AA saying? I know that is part of what I need to do, but I feel as though the meds I take to keep my blood pressure down and my mood to semi-functional again make me numb. There are many things I should do, want to do (sort of), and yet I slither along with the speed and slime of a slug. And numb does not effect change. Numb is numb and in my case really just masks the deep, lingering pain of loss and frustration and a life with so much joy to be had that just wilts away.
I think my daughter needs a therapist and I'm not sure how to find one for her. Therapy is so... personal. She is full of anger and pain and I'm afraid a lot of it is my fault. Being a slug is nothing new. I need to figure out who takes our insurance and get her an appointment. She needs someone neutral to talk to and I have too much junk of my own. I listen, but I know I have a filter of a broken teenager on. I want to be a mediator as an adult and it's hard when my child is fixed in her view of the world. But she is worth every ounce of effort. My gosh, I used to wish that I could go back to the past and never meet her father, so that I would be a little older when I had her. But now I know that she came to me when I needed her and she is an amazing gift to me. I had to have something more important than myself to propel me to change. I would have put up with BS from my ex-husband for a lot longer, mostly because I was immature and wanted to be loved and did not recognize that I deserved better. My daughter definitely deserved better than him and that's how I did it.That and having supportive parents who would take me and my baby girl in.
I'm rambling. Sorry. I had a really rough night of pain and inability to sleep coupled with a kid waking me up since she had an upset stomach. Now I can hear my son playing in his room. Time to put back on the mommy apron and be mom. It's so hard to focus on anything. I cannot write. I cannot get anywhere with my ancestral research. I clean only what is absolutely necessary. I want to do more and cannot.
My husband worked 70 hours last week. On salary. He's probably going to match that this week AND he is sick. WTF do I have to complain about?
Oh yeah, I'm supposed to stop writing and tend to my kids. Kids. Right. Away from the computer and back to kids. But my gosh my body is so tense. If only Calgon could take me away!
DD
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