uncomfortable, unfairly stressed, and really un-needed. one of those days

Hi angel friends, if the feelings of feeling frazzled, uncomfortable, and totally done with day, could be multiplied, this is one of those days where it's multiplied x100. 

it's a rough day here, and didn't need to be, but i gotta do some writing here, DS is here for us all, a support site, and every once in a while, we gotta write what our hearts, and emotions are experiencing. i know it's been a really hard year, with all that's going on, with covid19, pandemic, and so much more. it's been hard on us all, in many ways. even that saying that's become very true, when something goes wrong this year, or something wild happens, that phrase, "It's 2020" can be said. i've dwelved my spirit deep into what i love very much this year, more than ever, like simple joys, like times with family, friends, holiday's. this month, halloween, so much to enjoy, and i've really put my whole heart, spirit, and soul into making my halloween town fun, for everyone, to enjoy. i enjoy it very much, and when i hear everyone else enjoying it, it makes me feel very heart happy,and gives me a lot of spirited excitement to keep the energy going each day :) i'm a person who isn't into drama, and sometimes drama can confront us. i'm not a confrontational person, i'm more laid back, easy going, and if i have my iced coffee,my halloween town glowing, i'm rockin with the day, and all set, but sometimes, some things go on, that push our buttons, and make us uncomfortable, and sometimes this can be very unfair, when it happens. my head hurts, and as much as i would like to be sharing about a spirit soaring day, with halloween town, and sharing it, i gotta do some writing from the heart here.

i've had an issue today, that's been going on,and it's really made my nerves wound up like a halloween mummy, but i'm gonna be ok. the issue today i'm talking about, and i don't mean to stun/shock anybody about sharing this, but this is my journal, and writing has always helped me. i've had a really big issue today, bothering me, and that issue is, i just can't believe i'm actually writing this, but the issue has been, Holly getting on me, and it being very unfair, and has caused me a deep stress, and i'm very upset about it. i'll share how this all came about. She and i are usually lined up like the earth, moon, and sun, everyone knows that,and everyone knows, issues happen.

9:30am this morning, we had a really good day going, we had our breakfast, having some iced coffee, got my halloween town set up, and ready for the day, and my  mom yells down to us, "Chris, Holly! Kayla and Lisa want to know, if you want to carve pumpkins. wow! Very cool, and of course, Holly and i say, "yes!" :) 

Holly and i go upstairs, i get all of the items for pumpkin carving in our living room on the table. went out, got the pumpkins, got the bowl, spoons, etc. i even washed 2 pans, thinking i'd be baking pumpkin seeds all afternoon. 

*Where the issue began*

Taylynn got this pumpkin picture app,to pick out a pumpkin to carve. Taylynn and Kayla have these huge pumpkins, and picked out these fancy, elaborate designs. Holly picked one out too, ok, all is going well. Holly and i got 2 small pumpkins, at malerba's yesterday. so we're all around the table, and we're getting ready to carve our pumpkins. Holly picked out a really delicate, detailed pumpkin to carve. she doesn't carve the pumpkins, she has a phobia of knives, last year i carved her pumpkin for her. i was cleaning out my pumpkin, putting the seeds in the bowl, and things  were going great. Holly showed me the pumpkin she designed, it's like a 3-D skeleton (very hard design). 

1st time, i said, "wow, that's very neat, i don't think i would be able to carve that, it's very detailed, i'm not an artist.

Then, i said in front of everyone, "i'm no artist, but i do my best, with carving plain pumpkin faces, you know, like the ones with the eyes, nose, being triangle shapes, and the pumpkin's triangle shape mouth. Holly  alternates the pumpkin design, and i said, "that is complicated design for me to do, i don't think i can do it". 

Holly asks me, "what can i do, to make it easier". i said, "i like to carve in triangles, it's easier for me, and it's my skill level. i actually felt bad, here i was, wishing i was talented pumpkin carver, but those designs like Holly picked out, are for professional pumpkin carvers, and i said, "artists usually carve those with the stencils, even shaving the pumpkin with the design". 

4th time, i said, "it's complicated, but i'll try". Holly left the room, and went downstairs, i thought she was gonna return. She didnt. i gave it a try, carving the design she wanted, but didn't do too well. i came downstairs, she wrote 3 small post it notes, saying "i humilated and embarassed her" in front of everyone, when i said the design was too complicated. She was getting all over me about it, and expecting an apology. i'm sorry, but i didn't do anything wrong, i was trying to enjoy a nice time, carving pumpkins, and even kinda threw myself under the bus, as the figure of speech goes, by saying,"i'm not a talented pumpkin carver, i'm not an artist", and i was kinda taking the spotlight off of Holly, and telling everyone i was not talented enough to carve the pumpkin. i explained to Holly, and even talked with my mom, and dad, and said, "this is  unfair". i wasn't discrediting Holly's feelings, we all have moments, where we get embarassed, or feel feelings we do, and i said, "i'm sorry you feel that  way", but she kept at me, and at me, and at me, to the point where i had to call a friend, for support. i was very stressed, distraught, and felt this onslaught of emotionally coming at me, was very wrong. i told Holly, this is unfair. i'm very good to Holly, we all are. but for these little occurences, she gets all over me, when i feel it's very unfair. i mean, her daughter, or her brother, other family, they never check in on her, ask her how she's doing ,and not once, does she try to get all over them ,about that, but me, who is good to her, always there for her, believes in her, she goes off on me,like this, and it takes hours, i mean... hours to iron everything out, where it gets to the point, where i tell her, "what do you want from me ,we've talked hours, it's time to move on", and she won't let it go, and she repeats the issue over, and over, and it's just too much. i tell her, i wish she would have gotten all over the lady she lived with (Regina) in Maryland, for issues that were huge, and worth getting worked up over, and also, for times her daughter's failed her, her own daughter, never checks in on her, and has no reason to be upset with Holly, and i tell Holly, those people, they are who you need to project all of this energy toward, not me. i live a very busy life, day to day, i put an enormous amount of energy into my days, i'm busy, from 5am, to about 7pm each day. it's how my life rolls, and when Holly can't move on, can't let it go, and goes on, and on about things, it distrupts my focus, my peace, and makes me feel bad, because i do all good for her, and she needs to lower her expectations, and her expectations of me being perfect. i'm not perfect, no one is, but i am very good to Holly.

 i told Holly, "i said the pumpkin carving design is too complicated for me, then again, and then again i said it's too hard for me to carve that design", and that i finally give it, and say, "i'll try". i'm respectful, i am honest with her. if someone says no, and then has to say no again, they usually aren't too happy to have to repeat themselves, and to say no a  third time, someone wouldn't be too nice, but i am a very nice person, i always give benefit of the doubt, but i told Holly, she's too hard on me ,and makes a mountain out of a mole hill sometimes, it's straight up how i feel. i'm already intense at times, capturing the spirit of the day, with my writings, giving 150% each day, when i'm even a little off sometimes. i told Holly, if i am moving on, and not discussing something, to give me my writing time, to give me my space, and to let me write. couples go through hard times, they discuss quickly, and move on, but it shouldn't take, 4, 5, 7 hours, to iron things out. i  have a headache, and i'm very upset, that she made it all about herself, and couldn't just let it go, and to enjoy a good time carving pumpkins, participating. Holly has it really good here, we appreciate her. her constant badgering of me today though, even i said, in moments, "what you do want Holly, us driving you back to Maryland". i think she needs to appreciate me more, i appreciate her, but i think people like her brother, her daughter, they are the ones, who deserve to get that badgering ,not me. i always believe in Holly, and been there for her, throughout the years. she just needs to chill, and to let things go, and to move on, especially if it's not worth getting so worked up about. 

i'm a peaceful, relaxed person most of the days, but she upset me a great deal today, and i usually never have to write about an issue, but today, was just too much. i told Holly, if i say no, and i can't do something, i want her to respect that. she is very technical about things, but if she's gonna be like that with me, she needs to be like that, with her daughter, her brother, family, who's deserted and abandoned her, and that's a really big problem to  my heart, her own daughter, who abandoned her in maryland, like she did, and went on her merry way with her life, she can't even text/write/call Holly, to see how she's doing, it's upsetting, and her daughter, even her brother, i don't want to associate with them, ever, because i feel a great inner upsetness, in how they have treated Holly. i just wish, Holly would let these tiny, little issues, go, and to move on with the day. she ruined today, i'm not gonna sugar coat anything about it. i'm disappointed, that she handled the situation, and day like she did, and she apologized to me, earlier about things. of course i forgive, i'm just very distraught, and told her, i can't do days like this, there's no reason for it. 1. having a great festivity to enjoy. 2. enjoying the time together. 3, no reason for her emotions, to make day like this, to be ruined. no reason for it, and even if there's an issue, move forward quicker. i told her, i can't handle this drama, and next time something like this comes up, i'm coming onto DS all day, or i'm going outside to call friends all day, because i've got absolutely 0 time in my days,, for drama, unless it's very worth it. i'm just feeling frazzled, and i feel it's very unfair, in just going about a day, doing nothing wrong, being polite, respectful, and having a day turn out like this. 

Things have finally calmed down here, and 4 and a half hours, of Holly getting all over me about the situation, and trying to make me apologize, for doing nothing wrong, she finally realized, she was asking too much of me, and she apologized to me. it's after 4pm, this day is just over, and i feel like a need a tylenol. i'm very sorry angel friends, i love sharing pics, but this just is one of those, "what the heck happened to this day", type of days. 

i've felt emotional lately, about things. i've been able to keep spirited, through you all, and times with family and Holly, which is always usually nice, just today with Holly, a very rollercoaster of stressful explaining, and getting my brain frazzled, very unfairly. i want this day back, i want my writing time, and tomorrow i'm staying here on DS, more often, i want the hours back i lost today, explaining myself, when i really shouldn't have had too. i will be taking lots of pics of halloween town today, i want to keep with the halloween spirit. i also may spend extra time here on DS, this evening and tonight. You all , my dear angel friends, deserve my attention, my focus, hugs ,messages, journal comments. i've been emotional about things, the pandemic, it's been a very different year, and not being able todo the halloween trick or treats packages, for first time since 2009, it's been hard on my heart, but sending out envelopes, with cards, stickers, here from home, it's meant the world to me, your thank you's, and also, the feelings of joy your enjoyment of my halloween town, has given me, has kept me in good spirits all this season, and has been my whole heartedly motivated, to keep on keeping on this month, with 31 days of halloween <3 thank you :) Things have finally calmed down here. i feel embarassed, Holly caused issues in home today, and caused me to have to write like this, but it's how the day went, and there will be better days ahead. Holly needs to realize more, i do so much to be there for her, and for her to give me more benefit of the doubt, even if it was a situation that really truly upset her, or something, she needs to lower her expectations of me. i'm  hard on myself already, i know, but she she badgers me like today, it's just too much. i'm keeping strong, and gonna  spend extra time here on DS this evening, maybe a bit tonight, and i look forward to a whole new day tomorrow. i talked with Holly, i told her, "no more yelling, arguing about things", that can easily be discussed. i told her, no raising voices, and that she needs to know, no one is here, is ever trying to hurt her feelings, intentionally, on purpose, and that we all have  feelings, and emotions. it's ok. we're alright, and looking forward to better days.

-never lose hope

i do want to share some pics, everything today, has seemed so wrong, and off, but i want to get some pics in my journal, of halloween town :) i can then at least say, something went well :) thank you angel friends, for always sticking with us all <3

Halloween town, and looking forward to the upcoming days, new days, and halloween fun :)