Unclear purpose
I am stuck in this limbo, trying to find my way out. Thought maybe if I write it out I will have something jump off the page and make sense. I have to make decisions and have had alot of input that doesn't always make it easier.
When my husband of 14 years passed we had changed apartments 9 days prior. I didn't have money to be able to keep it without his pay because I only worked part time. So I had to move in with friends. (This was in Georgia). These friends have no clue as to the grieving process as they thought after 3-4 weeks I should be able to work and function with a little bit of sadness. This was not the case however. I cannot live with my children due to their military careers.
I have been having anxiety attacks since my husband, Pete, has passed. This is adding to my frustration and making living "normal" even harder. I Had a very good friend, who was the closest thing to a brother Pete had ever had, said I could stay with him while I sorted through our belongings that we had left behind in West Virginia. Being that everyone went on with their lives within a month I was feeling alone and lonely. I was no longer asked to hang out by couple friends and single friends stayed away also. I guess my sadness wasn't very much fun to have along! So I went to West Virginia to tackle the task before me.
I had hoped as I went through things I would get a definitive feeling about where HOME was going to be. However, this is not happening. Different people all seem to know where I should be but it seems to depend on where they live. Being that Pete was beginning a new job when he passed there isn't "money" that can financially support me until I can find my way through the fog.
My dilemma is that there are only 2-3 people in each location and most seem to think that I should have figured out how to turn off the anxiety and function without my other half for extended periods. However, I haven't lost just my love and 1/2 of my soul, I have lost almost everything else we had in life. I don't sit around feeling depressed about any of the material things I have lost...They seem so insignificant these days. With the anxiety I get, I am nervous about being able to reach someone during the night if needed. But I no longer have the person I used to talk to or cry to. When the days seem overwhelming I have no one who tells me we can conquer the world as long as we are together. No one snuggles, holds me, and makes me feel safe in this uncertain world I find myself in. No One seems to understand my confusion any more.
I have tired writing a pros and cons list...
+Georgia has 3 months of humid hot weather --- West Virginia has 5 months of cold, possibly snowy weather.
**I am not sure I like the cold any more**
+Georgia and West Virginia have some activities we used to like to do together --
**I won't be canoeing, camping, or 4-wheeling alone (WV)
+Georgia support system consists of 3 --- West Virginia support system consists of 3
**same, Both with same thoughts**
+Job market hard in both places, cost of living comparable in both.
This is my whole list i come up with before getting frustrated.
I love photography but do not know how to make this more than a soothing passion. I guess I just don't know how to be alone anymore. Nothing feels right at this moment.
On a side note: the Veterinarians in West Virginia have not won any accolades from me this weekend. One of my puppies got sick and I get conflicting directions in the same office during the initial visit and a follow up today. My mind trying to find its ability to decipher is lacking right now. But I keep trying and hope the new vet tomorrow will clarify my uneasy feelings. And then we can get back to finding myself and Home........
Advice I seem to be getting these days is pick one and just start. It will become home!
When my husband of 14 years passed we had changed apartments 9 days prior. I didn't have money to be able to keep it without his pay because I only worked part time. So I had to move in with friends. (This was in Georgia). These friends have no clue as to the grieving process as they thought after 3-4 weeks I should be able to work and function with a little bit of sadness. This was not the case however. I cannot live with my children due to their military careers.
I have been having anxiety attacks since my husband, Pete, has passed. This is adding to my frustration and making living "normal" even harder. I Had a very good friend, who was the closest thing to a brother Pete had ever had, said I could stay with him while I sorted through our belongings that we had left behind in West Virginia. Being that everyone went on with their lives within a month I was feeling alone and lonely. I was no longer asked to hang out by couple friends and single friends stayed away also. I guess my sadness wasn't very much fun to have along! So I went to West Virginia to tackle the task before me.
I had hoped as I went through things I would get a definitive feeling about where HOME was going to be. However, this is not happening. Different people all seem to know where I should be but it seems to depend on where they live. Being that Pete was beginning a new job when he passed there isn't "money" that can financially support me until I can find my way through the fog.
My dilemma is that there are only 2-3 people in each location and most seem to think that I should have figured out how to turn off the anxiety and function without my other half for extended periods. However, I haven't lost just my love and 1/2 of my soul, I have lost almost everything else we had in life. I don't sit around feeling depressed about any of the material things I have lost...They seem so insignificant these days. With the anxiety I get, I am nervous about being able to reach someone during the night if needed. But I no longer have the person I used to talk to or cry to. When the days seem overwhelming I have no one who tells me we can conquer the world as long as we are together. No one snuggles, holds me, and makes me feel safe in this uncertain world I find myself in. No One seems to understand my confusion any more.
I have tired writing a pros and cons list...
+Georgia has 3 months of humid hot weather --- West Virginia has 5 months of cold, possibly snowy weather.
**I am not sure I like the cold any more**
+Georgia and West Virginia have some activities we used to like to do together --
**I won't be canoeing, camping, or 4-wheeling alone (WV)
+Georgia support system consists of 3 --- West Virginia support system consists of 3
**same, Both with same thoughts**
+Job market hard in both places, cost of living comparable in both.
This is my whole list i come up with before getting frustrated.
I love photography but do not know how to make this more than a soothing passion. I guess I just don't know how to be alone anymore. Nothing feels right at this moment.
On a side note: the Veterinarians in West Virginia have not won any accolades from me this weekend. One of my puppies got sick and I get conflicting directions in the same office during the initial visit and a follow up today. My mind trying to find its ability to decipher is lacking right now. But I keep trying and hope the new vet tomorrow will clarify my uneasy feelings. And then we can get back to finding myself and Home........
Advice I seem to be getting these days is pick one and just start. It will become home!
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