Uncaring me
Feeling bad today. My father in law passed away two years ago today and there are posts all over facebook about missing him. I don't even think about my dad on the day he died. Never have even that first year. I don't call my mom to make sure she's ok or anything. It doesn't matter to me that he is gone.
I was the same way with my grandma and grandpa. For my grandpa he went quick, in just 10 days and he hated hosptials so. He was 88 and I thought he'd lived his life and went the way he would have wanted. He even told my grandma he wanted to get the dying over with in his last days. He had moderate alzheimers as well and got to die before he forgot his wife and his children. His grandchildren were fading away. I thought it was a blessing and although I cried a bit I wasn't that sad.
My grandmother was a mess when she died. She had been in a nursing home for 2 years. SHe hated it there. She was pretty much insane and remembered no one. She had broke her neck in Feb and it wouldn't heal, osteoporosis, I was so grateful when she passed. She had no quality of life, she was always so careful with her hair and make up and of course she couldn't take care of herself the last year. My mother took a picture of her with no make up and her wig off, she was mostly bald. I was so angry at my mom as Gma would have just been horrified someone saw her that way let alone took a picture.
My dad, well he was very prejudice against women, they belonged at home pregnant and barefoot. I was the only girl. He took my brothers places and left me doing dishes with my mom. Guys did not do dishes. Women did not work, drive cars if there was a man present, own a car...no make up, no high heels, etc...He was a man's man. I did not admire him. He smoked a lot and pretty much with pride. He said he would die before he gave up his cigarettes and so he did. He lost one brother to lung cancer and one to emphasma, but it didn't stop him. He woke up one day and went up to the hospital as he couldn't catch his breath. His lung simply had stopped working and wouldn't start back up. He was dead 4 hours later. It was a shock, but he just didn't leave really any hole in my life and he got what he "wanted" a quick death and didn't have to give up his cigarettes.
So guess I am heartless. I am at peace with the people who have left my life and don't really miss them. I think of my grandparents fondly and remember good times with them, but there is no grief in me. My dad, well he wasn't much a part of my life when he was alive so I don't think of him much at all.
Normally I don't think I am bad, but watching all the people mourn my father in law today I know I am not normal in yet one more way and that does make me sad.
I was the same way with my grandma and grandpa. For my grandpa he went quick, in just 10 days and he hated hosptials so. He was 88 and I thought he'd lived his life and went the way he would have wanted. He even told my grandma he wanted to get the dying over with in his last days. He had moderate alzheimers as well and got to die before he forgot his wife and his children. His grandchildren were fading away. I thought it was a blessing and although I cried a bit I wasn't that sad.
My grandmother was a mess when she died. She had been in a nursing home for 2 years. SHe hated it there. She was pretty much insane and remembered no one. She had broke her neck in Feb and it wouldn't heal, osteoporosis, I was so grateful when she passed. She had no quality of life, she was always so careful with her hair and make up and of course she couldn't take care of herself the last year. My mother took a picture of her with no make up and her wig off, she was mostly bald. I was so angry at my mom as Gma would have just been horrified someone saw her that way let alone took a picture.
My dad, well he was very prejudice against women, they belonged at home pregnant and barefoot. I was the only girl. He took my brothers places and left me doing dishes with my mom. Guys did not do dishes. Women did not work, drive cars if there was a man present, own a car...no make up, no high heels, etc...He was a man's man. I did not admire him. He smoked a lot and pretty much with pride. He said he would die before he gave up his cigarettes and so he did. He lost one brother to lung cancer and one to emphasma, but it didn't stop him. He woke up one day and went up to the hospital as he couldn't catch his breath. His lung simply had stopped working and wouldn't start back up. He was dead 4 hours later. It was a shock, but he just didn't leave really any hole in my life and he got what he "wanted" a quick death and didn't have to give up his cigarettes.
So guess I am heartless. I am at peace with the people who have left my life and don't really miss them. I think of my grandparents fondly and remember good times with them, but there is no grief in me. My dad, well he wasn't much a part of my life when he was alive so I don't think of him much at all.
Normally I don't think I am bad, but watching all the people mourn my father in law today I know I am not normal in yet one more way and that does make me sad.
Replies
you are normal ...there is nothing wrong with you ....you are not heartless or un caring .....you have explained your self very well ...just because you don\'t think like everyone else doesent mean your thinking is not right .....just ........that you look at things from a diferant viewpoint ...that those others just can\'t see ......you can look at things from many diferant view points ...and so come up with diferant answers to diferant questions ..but most people can only see things in one direction ...and come to one conclusion and can not see your view point ....they are just a little short sited .....neather is wrong just diferant ............I do not keep the memories of the deaths of my loved ones ....I would have to ask one of the family to find out ...my sister rembers all that .....I don\'t think of them on that day ...I lost my grand parents ...when I was a teanager ...my grandmother ..would always Thai out faces in her hands and her greating and when she was leaving was to than say ...God bless you ..and you knew it came straight from her heart ..that is why I say ....God bless ...and it comes strait from my heart to each of you .......when I think of them I think of the good times ...my grandmother would get the two of us laughing ...back and forth untill our faces were soor and our belleys were soor ..I rember those times ............not the day she died ......I was with my mother when ahe pased ....she had Lund cancer ....but she had fallen and broken a hip ...and while in rehab ...they tried to push her to early to walk on her owen and one day when none of us hapened to be there ...she fell going to the bathroom alone and broke the other hip .....that was the end for her and I knew it ....she got nuimonia ...and that is what she pased away from ....she was in pain from the cancer ..but not realy bad ..but she was on good pain killers ......she played cared till the very last ..she loved those tickets you ..break open and see if you have three of somthing ...if you do you whin some money ...we always made sure she had .plenty of them and she loved to tell jokes ....mere the end she was dropong the cards and she would slowly pick them up sometimes not ..we just played on ..when she got to weak to crack the tickets we cracked them open for her than very slowly she opened them ...all the while giving us smiles ....when she could only whisper ...my dad would type up her jokes and give them to her so she could pas them to the nurses and who ever came to see her ..........when my mother was pasing she dident know what was going on around her so my dad had gone home so we called him and put the phone to her ear and he talked to her and she briten end up and they talked about a good time they had ......and they told eachother they loved eachother ......not long after that ..she pased away ....................I felt her leave me .......my mother tought me how to love ..and not just how to love but how to love unconditionally .....I will always be great full for that .............and I was happy she went when she did ......instead do passing from the lung cancer witch would of been much more painfull .........I am amased at the strength ...and the love ...she shaired with everyone in her last dayes .......I don\'t rember when she died I don\'t call my dad and say anything to him on that day ........I celeberat her life every time I think of her ...and I smile ....if only I am so brave ....if only I can teach this to my children ....if we had more people in the world like her ...imagin ...what this world would look like .....................................so don\'t judge your self by others standards ......you see more than they see ..........what you feel and do is correct ....and proper ......and they have just gone home .......I wanted to tell you about my mother ..because I knew you would understand .....many do not ...take good care of your self ...........you are a good caring person ...I am proud to call you frend ......God bless you ...