Unanswered Questions

These past 5 weeks have been an immense struggle. If it weren't for the kids, I don't think I'd leave the house everyday. Questions keep rolling around in my head: How am I going to live the rest of my life as a person broken from their other half? How will I know that I am making the right decision on my own, when our decisions have always been made together? How will we survive financially? When our children are adults, would you have been satisfied with how I've continued to raise them? 
I know that I won't ever have the answers to most of these questions. Uncertainty and fear are my biggest enemies. It is like these feelings feed off of my tremendous grief and heartbreak.
I'm really, really trying to keep faith in the Lord. While I am in no capacity to understand now (I may not ever), I know that there is a reason for this season of my life.
It just baffles my mind that you're gone. You weren't finished living your life yet. We weren't finished living our life together yet. You had so many things left to do. We were supposed to grow old together and spoil our grandchildren, go on vacations, travel and see the world. 
Now that spring has finally come, I can't help but feel this overwhelming guilt because I am able to experience the flowers blooming, the trees budding, feel the warm sun and soft breeze on my skin while you will not ever experience those things again.
I just love you and miss you so much.