Unannounced

He came over last night- unannounced.  He had emailed me before asking me how I was and I responded with the truth that I was not doing well.  Within the hour, my buzzer rang but when I asked who was there nobody responded but I buzzed anyway- then the doorknob was attempted so I looked thru the peephole to see him and opened the door.  I was still a mess from crying and he asked if he should come in or go and I told him to come in.  He held me while I cried and I covered my face and he stroked my back and told me we would figure things out and I told him I don't know what that means and he said he doesn't either.  He kissed me and I stopped and told him I'm a mess and need to shower and brush my teeth and he said to go ahead and he stayed in the living room.  I cried for most of my shower and got dressed and joined him on the couch.  He told me he's worried about me and asked if him telling me he needed some distance to help him deal with this because talking with me regularly made it harder on him....I told him no that it wasn't anything he said. We were holding hands and talking and it's harder to look at him when we're talking so I asked if we could go lay down and he said okay (of course) and we went to my room and I got under the covers and he stayed on top and I curled up with him with my head on his chest and he told me that it's been very hard for him to get over a breakup in front of his family and he's angry and hurt and sad and trying to just exercise more to deal with his feelings so he's hoping to be very fit and I told him I have the opposite problem and not to look at me too closely because I am in serious need of grooming.  He said I'm the person who knows him best in the world and yet I'm invisible.  I told him I feel the same way about him and it's also been very hard for me to mourn someone "invisible" because I can't tell people why I'm upset and I have to make excuses....I cry when I'm alone like in the shower or the car  or alone in my office.  I was fine last night until my friend left this morning.  I told him I've been looking online for some kind of resources but most of what I found is for couples on dealing with affairs they dont make things for people like me.  People like me are looked at as "the bad guy" in these situations.  And I can't really talk to anyone about it because women are looked at badly and there is a social stigma that goes with this.  I told him I need help and I found a therapy group and send them an email to schedule an appt and suggested he try the same.  I also told him I found the OW blog and reading her words are like reading my own.  I held on to him and he stroked my hair even though I was still soaking from the shower.  He lifted my chin to kiss me and we made out for awhile and I pulled him on top of me and of course we had sex and then lay and talked some more and held each other and I asked what we're going to do and he said we try to change our relationship and that we've been lucky and I told him I know we have and I try not to think about that and the text message that I got from her a couple years ago....that was so awful and I'd never want to cause anyone pain like that.  He said as he's getting older he realizes how fragile life is and everything that goes with that (I'm assuming he means his girls).  He said he compartmentalizes and he doesn't know where to put me- there's a place for friends, and lovers, and family, job, etc but he doesn't know where to put me or what we are because our relationship is confusing.  I agreed it is strange.  I told him I'll do whatever he needs me to do....if he needs space I'll give it to him, if he needs me to be the strong one I will- he said we both need to be.
I think it was good for him to see how hard this is for me because I think he doesn't want to cause me any more pain.  I told him I put myself here and I don't want him to worry about me and he said that's easy to say.  We lay in silence for awhile clinging to each other and told each other we love each other finally he said he hates to say it but he needed to go.  He got up and went to the bathroom and got cleaned up and I put my comfy clothes back on and walked him to the door and we said our goodbyes and I locked the door behind him.  
Then I sent him an email thanking him for last night and gave him the quote that I found on the OW site about the storm and was helping me.  
I love him and I hope one day we can be past this and be friends.  I will always love him and he said he will always love me and I believe him.  This just sucks.