Umm..... will this ever stop?

I cant stand this geez.....i try and try but every thought that crosses my mind refers back to " Shaun Painlayer " and makes me feel bad no sick to my stomach about who i am forced into being now... I hate who i HAVE to be i hate what i LOOK like now and i hate MYSELF for the way that i cant even care about my health and physical well being anymore.
Hell i remember going into the surgery and all i cared about was eating lean so that i didnt gain alot of fat while being in bed for 3-4 months and CONSTANTLY fighting the urge to get back into the gym and i did all that but the more time went on the more i pushed everyone away from me that said ANYTHING about me not being able to wrestle again but then i started giving into them and there way of thinking and eventually my depression took over but at that time i could still fight it off, Now my mind and body are giving up and my sole is all that has kept me here but im even doubting if god or whatever even wants my soul to survive this.
My mom gets so worried because when i do call her all i can do is cry and talk about how bad im starting to get and how scared i am that everyday i cant even tell if i will allow myself to wake up the next morning....because life is just so fucking horrible right now.
Her words stick with me because even though she wasnt a mother when i was growing up i know she cares and i know she can relate because she has fought major depression mixed with anxiety attacks for over 20 years now but the sad thing is that she is stronger than me and i have always known that and still she tells me " My god baby your just way to young to be suffering like this " and i can just feel that she means it but it doesnt help because she lives in GA along with my brother all i have left up here that i havent alienated is my baby half brother but he deals with the same shit and not to mention we havent ever really been close. My wife even acts like she doesnt care as long as im bringing in that check every two weeks but i seriously dont know how much longer i can hold a job anymore. I just want to be a kid again and start over because who i am now and the shape that im in now is literally killing me.
Im seriously thinking about checking myself into the mental hospital atleast they'll dope me up and i wont hurt as bad