umm, lasagna?
Well I haven't written anything in my journal for over a week. I kept telling myself I'm going to, seems like a million different things I needed to vent about, but somehow I just always put it off.
I'm still on the roller coaster......one minute I'm going along just fine and the next, not so much. Still feeling weepy a lot of times. Haven't actually really really cried in while now though, dunno what that means. Could be the celexa starting to kick in, even though I've only been taking it for 2 weeks now. Could be I'm kinda numb. Could be I'm cried out. Idk.
Still finding new triggers. Saturday night we went to dinner and we were also watching the football game and H was complimenting me actually, but at this point I can't remember what he said before " and who makes the best lasagna" which he meant as a little funny. But it immediately made me sad and then angry.
Because
1. I do make the best lasagna, he n kids always request it for bday dinners n such.
2. I knew I hadn't made it in a while, with all the holiday cooking etc., and it is a fam fav.
3. It dawned on me when the last time was that I made lasagna. July 23, for my son's bday dinner. July 23, one year to the day that my mom died, on my son's bday. July 23. When I found out about the affair through emails, one of the conversations took place on July 23. One year since I lost my mom, my son's bday, I was severely depressed and hurting and needing him to be there for me, and he was talking to her.
Can I forgive him for not being there when I needed him most? Or was I too needy, did I expect too much?
We are going to mc. Again tomorrow. Will be our 5th session. We are reading His Needs, Her Needs together. I also have started Not just Friends.
I'm still obsessing about tow some. Big thing now is what did they talk about??
I mean it was all emails and phone calls , only 1 real life hookup. So what did they talk about? I mean really. They both say he didn't talk about me. He did talk about the kids. He told her we divorcing, that he had moved out, divorce filed, just waiting on finalization.
I know he tried to get out of the A. I know there were periods where he would go a week or even two without speaking to her. I know at one time he did text her pretending to be me, saying I didn't want the divorce and I wasn't giving him up without a fight.
Why couldn't he fight for us? I guess he did and lost. idk. I have spent a lot of time obsessing over tow, and feeling bad because he lied to her too, but just now I realized, she could have walked away then when she thought it was me texting her telling her to get away from her man. Bitch.
Well I had about 15 other things to get off my chest, but now this is all I can think about again and I can't remember what else there was.
Maybe later,,,,,,,,,,,,sigh
my memory just plain sucks
I'm still on the roller coaster......one minute I'm going along just fine and the next, not so much. Still feeling weepy a lot of times. Haven't actually really really cried in while now though, dunno what that means. Could be the celexa starting to kick in, even though I've only been taking it for 2 weeks now. Could be I'm kinda numb. Could be I'm cried out. Idk.
Still finding new triggers. Saturday night we went to dinner and we were also watching the football game and H was complimenting me actually, but at this point I can't remember what he said before " and who makes the best lasagna" which he meant as a little funny. But it immediately made me sad and then angry.
Because
1. I do make the best lasagna, he n kids always request it for bday dinners n such.
2. I knew I hadn't made it in a while, with all the holiday cooking etc., and it is a fam fav.
3. It dawned on me when the last time was that I made lasagna. July 23, for my son's bday dinner. July 23, one year to the day that my mom died, on my son's bday. July 23. When I found out about the affair through emails, one of the conversations took place on July 23. One year since I lost my mom, my son's bday, I was severely depressed and hurting and needing him to be there for me, and he was talking to her.
Can I forgive him for not being there when I needed him most? Or was I too needy, did I expect too much?
We are going to mc. Again tomorrow. Will be our 5th session. We are reading His Needs, Her Needs together. I also have started Not just Friends.
I'm still obsessing about tow some. Big thing now is what did they talk about??
I mean it was all emails and phone calls , only 1 real life hookup. So what did they talk about? I mean really. They both say he didn't talk about me. He did talk about the kids. He told her we divorcing, that he had moved out, divorce filed, just waiting on finalization.
I know he tried to get out of the A. I know there were periods where he would go a week or even two without speaking to her. I know at one time he did text her pretending to be me, saying I didn't want the divorce and I wasn't giving him up without a fight.
Why couldn't he fight for us? I guess he did and lost. idk. I have spent a lot of time obsessing over tow, and feeling bad because he lied to her too, but just now I realized, she could have walked away then when she thought it was me texting her telling her to get away from her man. Bitch.
Well I had about 15 other things to get off my chest, but now this is all I can think about again and I can't remember what else there was.
Maybe later,,,,,,,,,,,,sigh
my memory just plain sucks
Replies
I found out with this just how good my memory is. I caught him by finding the chats all nicely stored in his gmail that he left signed into on my computer. I read every word. 30 pages of text if you print it out.
Now the 264 text messages I do not have. I obsessed about those forever.
And my memory...every word is etched there. But now, 19 months out, the clarity of the words is fading. And I have made sure I cannot readily access the words. My lawyer has digital copies. I have copies in a safety depo box and that is it.
That part gets better.
Now the connections. My H claims to have kissed her only once and that was as physical as it got. He claims she offered to put out and he turned her down because he had lunch plans with his friend. The bank account and a chat with her backed that story up (she thought I was my H during the chat). That day however would be June 4th, 2010 and when all this was going on I was in my OB\'s office being told I was now \"functionally infertile\" due to Runa\'s pregnancy. I should not attempt pregnancy again and my hopes of a third child were destroyed. My H made up some lame excuse to not be there. He was obviously busy.
This anger also fades. Funny thing is my yearly check up appears to now be a trigger for me.
My point is, it fades. Hang in there.
Been there, done that. I have tortured and tortured myself and E trying to get out of him what they talked about. He swears it was never anything deep. He says it was mostly about work, medieveil history and her soup opera of a life. He said he never bad-mouthed me and told her that he had no intention of keaving, but that he and I drifted apart and had little in common anymore outside of the kids and years together (which were my words to him prior to his A, go figure!). He also said he mostly listened while she talked. None of that made sense to me because I couldn\'t figure how something so seemingly superficial was worth risking your job and your family over. He has always told me that it was pure selfish ego, that I should stop trying to make sense out of something that doesn\'t make sense.
Then I realized something. I know my H is in love with me. I know that he has tried harder than ever to express himself and his love for me during this whole 2 years since dday. Sometimes it\'s like pulling teeth, but he always tries. If it is so hard for him to dig deep with me, the woman whom he really loves and with whom he feels completely comfortable, then there is no way he gave the pig anything in the way of deep expressions of affection. I realize that I believe him. Whatever they talked about, it wasn\'t meaningful or deep. He got an ego boost from her, and she got a man to pay attention to her (because her husband had left her for another woman). He was desperate to not feel like a failure and she was desperate for attention. A match made in hell! lol Ok, so my point is this. The content of what they talked about was meaningless drivel. None of it was true. None of it was deep. None of it mattered! Stop torturing yourself. YOU are the person he loves and adores. Just remember that! Hugs!
Hey Kansas! Venting is good, keep it up!
Triggers suck so bad! I always feel like a crazy person when I tell my H what triggered me into laying in the fetal position and sobbing for hours. He is like \"I mentioned my old cell phone and that made you cry?\" Hells yes it did! That is the device which every nasty and adulterous text message took place. I see that phone in my mind and see your famous words....\"on my way\", but not to me, to that nasty road whore.
Sorry! Now I\'ve hijacked your journal.
Dang, so much heartbreak for one day. I\'m so sorry... You need to do something memorable and BIG this July 23! January 4th is my DDay and it is also the day we renewed our vows. I thought it was cheesy, but it has actually helped a lot. Hang in there, I am happy that there was only one hookup.....you are fortunate that it wasn\'t more. I would give my right arm if there was only one time together. I know you don\'t feel lucky and I\'m sorry if that came across the wrong way. Love ya Kansas!
thanks guys :) I know it will get better, I know it will get better, I know it will get better,, just keep repeating it to myself :)
For one awful moment there I thought when he said \'who makes the best lasagne\' he was gonna say tow. Lol. Getting wrong end of stick. Sorry if not funny....!
WEll, like I said, when we chatted, the one good thing is: his deceitfulness was turned towards OW, when he pretended to be you, saying you didn\'t want the divorce! How creative, but at least there was a glimmer of conscience, and an attempt to break it off. Doesn\'t take away the pain of the other crap he pulled, doesn\'t take away the enormity of garbage he brought to your marriage, doesn\'t minimize crap......
but does show some kind of conscience. Too bad, that conscience didn\'t scream louder at him sooner, or just have picked up a 2X4 and hit him over the head, and knocked sense in him sooner. Oh well, gonna be some up and down days for sure.
Like I said, considering how recent, I do think that you are really doing incredibly well. But that doesn\'t mean that we will have some down, down moments inbetween. Just a dang part of the fricken process.....time time time will help in the longrun!