Ultimate Betrayal

This is worse than porn. And then you see nothing wrong, just like porn. Have you gone over there to have sex? Is she laughing at me behind my back? 
Sure get Martin to buddy up and support you against me. Let yourself find more ways to drag this through the mud, pound it into the ground. I should be the one right now ignoring you. You betrayed me. I am not the perpetrator here. Sure go be yourself and all that other nice psychology words that don't mean much in the real world as they continue to alienate you. Go do that and continue to hurt everyone around you. How can I be considering staying when you blatantly said you missed her in every way I pride myself in being? 
Look at it! Look at your action to seek her out! Look at all the time you spent thinking about it! I sought you out for support in my dark times, in my times when I was thinking about suicide, I let you in! And this is what I get? You aren't doing everything you could do now! How could you call me a mistake? I gave you years of drilling to make sure you did everything you could do so that you wouldn't resent me. And here we are. You hate me. You have for a long time. You hide it to keep me around to continue to use me as your punching bag as you confuse that hate with loving me. You accuse me of controlling and manipulating you.. I was the one who was controlled and manipulated fucking bitch. YOU are power  hungry, look at your profession, your music, the bike, look at me, and how little power I actually have! Who really wants control? 
How can you miss the bitch? How can you say that being with her was the best when for years you said it wasn't? How can you say you never felt good about this, you lying son of a bitch? I staked over 7 years of my life blood and tears on the fact that this was the best thing that ever happened to you! How could you betray me like this? Allow her in? At my lowest point when I was just starting to come back? This is why feeling isn't safe, this is what you aren't safe, you shifting bitch. 
What the hell could you possibly miss with her? Why am I never good enough for her. Why are you doing to me what you did to her? I never did to you what she did. I did the hard shit. I tore myself apart, I was there in so many ways she wasn't! She just sits with her closest alone worth hundreds of thousands while I still wear clothes that are 10 years old, and I didn't resent you for it. I loved you for you, and she only cared about money and never working again in her life! How could you? 
Her HELP? hell fucking mother of god. I have helped you try to save your marriage, I have helped you in so many ways she never did, I have helped with the kids, the  house, your paperwork, your life, I have offered more and more still! I do this when I don't even have anything to give! I made you dinner god damn it! I was organizing us! I gave your kids holiday experiences when you failed and I held you together countless times in the last 7 years giving you space! I was the one who challenged you and drove you to change!
Your friendship?? I hate you. I hate that I have been begging for you to be friends with me, even if that was all we were to reestablish ourselves, to have fun, to feel safe to start feeling again. How could you? 
Your intelligence?? The thing I pride myself on? Especially since I used mine to better myself while you talked incessantly how she kept herself in her pattern and anger and bullying? She got a MA, so did I. She used it for a couple years and then decided to stay at home getting fat and having babies. Then picking up volunteer work to make herself feel better about herself. I still develop myself. I still study. I still use it to try to overcome this god damn PTSD and depression. 
Your humor?? YOU NEVER ONCE SAID THAT IN 7 years! What else are you hiding? Why can't you allow me to be safe to allow humor again? I tried with the comedy show. Time after time, you said you loved it about ME, the wrong side, getting those kind of jokes, the sarcastic humor. 
You said you miss parenting.. I've been offering you over 2 years of chances to parent with me. And I've been a mother to those boys even though to anyone else I'm just a sidekick. I have Alec snuggling, I have Theo coming to me to show me things, I have John telling me stories in an extremely short amount of time. What about all the parenting you said she didn't do? How much more of a selfish cunt can you be? How much more hurtful, unappreciative, blind? 
How can you miss sharing life with her when you talked for years how she made you miserable? When I am begging you to share life with me? share things with me? constantly telling you I want to see you? I go into my dark times because of this!! I wanted to be with you and you cast me aside like trash and then you have the balls to say you miss it when you continually reject me day in and day out? 
How can you miss her? want her? You spent the last 7 years saying you didn't want her, that her touch felt like rape, that you had to stop her from going down on you. You are supposed to miss me! want me! No wonder sex doesn't work, you don't even want me! I am just a pussy to you, no wonder you don't want to go slow you can't stand actually seeing and enjoying me!
There is never an easy answer, so why would you go back to her? It's not easy with me, it's not easy with her. You have show ME completely openness in everything, how could you offer that to her? You never have even done it for me, remember the one that fought for you? Remember she was the one who made you want to hide in the first place and assumed that mother role? I tried to heal you!
YOU HAVE TO BE DIFFERENT FOR ME. A lot of things would have to be different for me. and should be. AND NO, as I have been fucking telling you all semester, it takes god damn time. Why can you tell her that, and ignore me? It won't happen all at once, that's what I've been trying to tell you! Why can you see that with her, but not with me? Hello? why am I trash? Why am I the mangy dog you kick in the side when they are begging for food in a thunderstorm at your door? 
It takes work to get over your marriage, how could you even think about wanting to get over me when I tore myself inside out for you? All that was..... how could you be any more crass? You already talk about it like it's in the past. 
If you know why you did what you did, why are you so blind with me? You are doing what you did to me because you aren't happy, not wasn't. You are trapped by your emotions, I never trapped you. I worked hard to set you free, gave you free passes to walk away. I tried to help you be happy with her for years. I treated myself like trash so you could have felt like someone cared, you could be yourself. I set you free. When I had doubts, when I had emotions for Jesus, I told you about it even though I was scared. You knew. You know what went on. I didn't drag you through the mud, I really thought about it and chose you. 
How could you call this an illusion and a fantasy? This is far from a fantasy. It's real life, gut wrenching work, raw emotion. This is reality and you are running from it. What else could I expect from a narcissistic bitch like you? Always not wanting what you have and destroying it because you aren't happy. How many times did you say you would never go back, even if I wasn't there? How many times did you say the divorce was not because of me? How many times did you publicly say the I had nothing to do with the divorce? And now it's all a lie? 
How can you talk about getting rid of it? Of me? You are supposed to be getting rid of her, letting her go! What am I, was I always this object to you? Could you be any less demeaning! Hello! I'm a person! Not something that you can just throw away like trash because it's not all roses anymore!  You need to accept your marriage is over! You've never done that and lied about it the whole time! 
I've been asking you over and over again to face me. Why can't you want to make it better with me? Why can't you want to heal this? How can you say it will work? You spent 7 years saying it couldn't work, that is why you left, that is why you let me believe I wasn't the reason for your divorce, something I depended on. You said she was the wall you kept banging your head on, trying to make her understand and listen, and now suddenly you can make it work? Every acid dripping word of this is betrayal. FUN??? How could you? Your depression comes from you! I can't be fun because I have a world on top of me with no room to breath! The couple times I struggle to get it off me, I do it... and I do it alone. You see me struggle and you do nothing! You want me to be fun.. remember how you hated her for being bland with sex? How you never had room for yourself? How the sky jumping idea you had you couldn't do because of her? What about her hating the band? the bike? What about the risks I took just to do things with you. What I deal with in Lydia is directly related to the fact that I couldn't be there for her.. and I still was there for you. I used my emotion on you because I thought I was in love with you, that it was real, that it was safe for so long.. and then it wasn't. How can I feel safe with you when you continue to hide? Lie? Deceive? How can I have a base to have fun? You ask the impossible and then hate me because I am not your perceived perfect doll. Who is the selfish one? I changed myself for you. Yes, I know it was wrong, but I did. 
How can I be one mistake.. do you really not see all the other mistakes you made in that marriage? I can't believe you didn't do what your doing to me to her.. and one mistake isn't doing it over and over again. One mistake is the angry one night stand with someone who meant nothing when we weren't even really thinking we were together. Not in my head. If I'm a mistake, I'm millions of mistakes. How can you call me a rabbit hole? This was supposed to be freeing and empowering.. and it was for you! Even if it trapped me! How many times did you tell me that I gave you strength and challenged you to be your best, that is why you wanted to be with me? And now it's all a lie? 
You're insane if you think it was just me. It was every fantasy about another woman, any strip club, the porn, the other women you talked to on that site. 
I did completely rewrite my life. for you. based on this. MUCH more than you ever did. Why can't you see that? Are you that afraid of commitment and that full of guilt? Think of the guilt I've gone through, the process to know we left our marriages. How much more devastating can you be to call me heroin? a drug, not even a god damn person? Have you ever seen me as a person? How could you even think these things? Love is a drug! An addiction! and it transforms to something life supporting if you treat it right! It's here, always has been, how can you denigrate it like this? How could you call me an illusion? How could you call her real when all you did was call her fake and unable to be real for years? That is why you said you loved me because for the first time you were with someone real, like the bridge girl turned lesbian in college. How could you turn it on me like this? How could you say I don't matter at all, that she is all that matters? I've begged you to show I matter and now I know why you couldn't do that. How could you say you really want her? 

With her it's not a second chance, it's a millionth chance that she would be giving you and visa versa. It's going back to the old ways, and even if it's not, it's trying to do with her what you should be doing with me. Yes, me, this mangy sick dog you abuse and toss out in the rain. Me, the person, the real feeling breathing, person who did the hard work you fail to do. Who still does. Who sacrificed far more than she or you did. She only benefits in every scenario. I loved and supported you when it was not only not for my benefit, but demolished me. 
Fuck you. You don't deserve this, me, you don't deserve the openness  and letting in I gave you and trusted you with.