Ulterior Motives

Over the weekend I was coerced into going to visit my stbx... and spent a little under two hours in his presence. It was mostly enjoyable and he bought me gifts..... which made me break down and cry.
It's not fair. To tell me that you want to go our separate ways and then to drag me back only to remind me how good you can be. Please just yo yo me up and down a little harder and a little faster. After all I haven't gotten whiplash yet.
I think I'm okay with us getting a divorce, I think I'm strong and I can do this and then he shoves my head under the water again and I end up the one to drown. I can't take this one step forward, two steps back bs. It's like he's preying on my nostalgia. Because I know he knows I miss him. I don't want to be with him anymore - or so I tell myself - but it's hard to sever the ties we had had. It's a connection that no one can just throw out the window. But he did and I'm the one paying the consequences.
I'm so angry. I'm hurt. I don't know where else to turn. Every aspect of my life aggravates me now. I miss affection so much. I miss being good enough.