ugly monday

So it’s Monday 4/21/2008 @ 1:40 pm. I’m taking a lunch break and decided to pop a couple thoughts and post a couple of feelings. So I’m having a not so good emotional day today. I find Monday’s to typically be the worst based on my experience of the last 4 months or so. Basically I am feeling a horrible hopeless/joyless feeling today. I had a nice weekend so that was good! The feelings were there but somewhat in check. Today I have been pretty much a wreck.  It’s hard to work or really do anything else for that matter when you are in this frame of mind. I have a bunch of bills to pay tonight….and I don’t want to pay any of them!! I will push myself through and get them done…as I die a little more inside.  I have a big demo at work today…not helping my ugly mood let me tell you! I had lunch with my friend and we talked about the “good old days”. Several years ago we used to look FORWARD to work!! Can you believe that? We had a group of friends and we would just laugh our way through the day! I was so happy and productive back then! I almost starting balling as the nostalgia overwhelmed me…….  What happened to those days? What happened to the person I once was? I can remember those days but it feels like another life….a happier life……now I did a 180 and I’m as miserable now as happy then.   My anxiety now is focused on a foolish decision that will be with me for several years to come. This is killing me and causing my current blackness. I know one day this will pass but I need to find a battle plan that works soon or I will surely go mad. Nobody should have to live in this joyless state for long….it’s inhuman….  I have a Dr appointment tomorrow. I’m hoping to find the right meds to get myself back on track a bit. Combined with therapy I pray to bring myself back to a somewhat normal life! I know I will not be completely content with life until that stupid place is gone but I need something now to carry me over the next several years!   I’m amazed how this demon affects daily activities. It’s hard to do anything! I drag my way through even the simplest of tasks. Eating, sleeping is like a chore instead of  an enjoyment. Enjoyable events are diminished because I’m always thinking “this would be so much fun if I didn’t have this thing on my mind 24/7!” Work is more like torture when your mind is focused on BS anxiety and your heart/soul is in a depressed state……..  I am going to beat this demon…..I’m taking the right steps. I’m working with my doctor and therapist to get a combo of meds and therapy that will work for me. I pray to get a winning battle plan in-place soon for near term peace and a long-term focus. This way I have a plan for the next war! On battle at a time for now…………….Please God help us all through this darkness………….