ughhhh can it get any worse for me

can it really get any worse for me .... does god really just hate me to have to put me though all these things... and living with him makes it all the harder ... why doesnt he just take my heart out and step on it ??? ... he really has no idea how horrible i feel abotu the whole thing i jsut want my life back to the way it was ... and istead he keeps me around beacause he know that i will do anything for him .... when all he does it talk to his ex and all these other girls..... really like was i that horrible to him...i have since then tried to give him everything that i possibly could..... as i write this .... he sits there on the couch texting away totally oblibous to the fact that when i say i want to kill myself i really have tought about it..... he tells me tat he just wants space ...but really space???? .... or jsut an excuse to go find some one else .... have i mentioned thi to me before the abortion the breakupp..... and then they do this .... when do i get a turn t be happy??? ... when?! why does he hate me sooo much??? all i want to do is sleep .. sleep all this pain away ... i love him sooo much and would do anything for him but i guesss that isnt good enough sometimes well all the time ... i jsut want to be able to be happy . why is it he get to eb happy and i dont? .... why do i get to feel all this and he gets to be happy?!!! why ... why does he get to be happy and o dpnt ... i feel like i get all this advice just dont talk to him leave him and its like really?!?!! i fucken love him with all my heart i put my whole heart and soul into one person and i should have learned that thats not whta to do bt did i ever think it would come to this ofcousrse not i thought at 21 i was lucky to ave such a great life but apprently that was not that was not the case i was not good enough i just want to feel better ... i want him to feel like me! ... ahhhhh i just wnat ot die today is not a good day i miss my sissy but i cant see her .... i am the most horribe big sisy ever ... WHY DOESNT ANY ONE CARE ABOUT MMEEEE... WHY DOES HE WANT TO KEEP ME AROUND IF I AM SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON .. WHY!!!!