Ugh - still a TYPE A
So I should be happy that after a horrible stretch that lasted thro Thurs, I was able to get out and garden for hours on Fri (unheard of for me!). And after my gardening, I did the bills. And the cat litter. And the dished. And much else. And today I was able to go yardsaling with my husband for a little bit THEN clean the closet and under the sink (hours again). Then do the dishes.
Instead I look at all the things that I still have to do. So many chores undone over the years. I want to get my house back to CLEAN. And I want it done NOW. I'm tired of being understanding and patient!
Ironic since some days in the not so distant past (like 2 months ago after a lengthly hospital stay), I couldn't even do a whole load of dishes. I had to do a few and sit down. Then do a few more and take a break. Even walking from the bed to the bath exhausted me. Christ, even taking a crap was an ordeal!
Today, even though I'm so sore I can barely sit down (or get up) and my pancreas is swollen, I somehow feel like I haven't done enough. I've driven myself my whole life. I FORCE my body to do things it doesn't really have the ability to do. And even when I'm exhausted, all I can focus on is what I have yet to accomplish.
And at times this drive has served me very well. I'm the first person in my family to graduate high school, never mind going on to get a Masters in Chemical Oceanography. I survived years of abuse by my father and left home at 17 years old, and survivied without any help from family. I earned a wonderful job as a tenured math professor at a college.
I push and achieve. I push to overcome my physical limitations. I push to enjoy life. What I can't tell is when pushing is GOOD and when it's BAD. The line is just too thin and I can't see it until I'm in DANGER territory.
Am I the only TYPE A, driven, blind, workaholic trapped in an ailing, painful, dysfunctional body? How do people LIVE with this? I know I'm lucky in so many ways. My illnesses could be SO MUCH worse. I know that. But I still feel cheated and angry. Does this rage ever go away?
A weird combo of good and bad, as usual. Sigh. Help. Ugh. Nibs
Instead I look at all the things that I still have to do. So many chores undone over the years. I want to get my house back to CLEAN. And I want it done NOW. I'm tired of being understanding and patient!
Ironic since some days in the not so distant past (like 2 months ago after a lengthly hospital stay), I couldn't even do a whole load of dishes. I had to do a few and sit down. Then do a few more and take a break. Even walking from the bed to the bath exhausted me. Christ, even taking a crap was an ordeal!
Today, even though I'm so sore I can barely sit down (or get up) and my pancreas is swollen, I somehow feel like I haven't done enough. I've driven myself my whole life. I FORCE my body to do things it doesn't really have the ability to do. And even when I'm exhausted, all I can focus on is what I have yet to accomplish.
And at times this drive has served me very well. I'm the first person in my family to graduate high school, never mind going on to get a Masters in Chemical Oceanography. I survived years of abuse by my father and left home at 17 years old, and survivied without any help from family. I earned a wonderful job as a tenured math professor at a college.
I push and achieve. I push to overcome my physical limitations. I push to enjoy life. What I can't tell is when pushing is GOOD and when it's BAD. The line is just too thin and I can't see it until I'm in DANGER territory.
Am I the only TYPE A, driven, blind, workaholic trapped in an ailing, painful, dysfunctional body? How do people LIVE with this? I know I'm lucky in so many ways. My illnesses could be SO MUCH worse. I know that. But I still feel cheated and angry. Does this rage ever go away?
A weird combo of good and bad, as usual. Sigh. Help. Ugh. Nibs
Replies
Good for you to be getting so much done, yet still wanting to be better. You will get better because it\'s so important to you!
Sounds like you had a exhausting few days. I sometimes feel the internal rage is like our own private flame burning to ignite our passion for life....
You have done a lot and accomplished a lot.. You should be very proud...
Cheryl