ugh

kind of having an off day. feel bad. dont know which direction to turn or where to call home. im doing good things in life but i can no longer associate myself with negative people who are scum. i need to discern that and make better decisions and find people who are my true friends. there are few who are loyal like that to the bone but i will find them. i only know a few. one being rachel my best friend since i was like 3. weve been sisters and thats never gonna change. we talk about everything and i love her. sometimes shes all i have. there is jen who ive known since i was five. she recently came back into my life shes just fun to be with and we have a lot of fond memories from primary school and beyond. there is angie who again primary school i need to keep in touch with her more often but shes awesome. and there is other people. i guess not many males whom i trust very well. theres joe but i cant trust him cuz he kinda hurt me a lot hopefully we will be cool again someday but like courtney, she stabbed me in the heart after i was in the hospital. it was so petty that she was upset about me telling her husband i was in the hospital first. very petty. and she ended our friendship cuz of it. i dont know. thats pretty stupid. and now shes depressed and she needs me. where the actual hell was she when i needed her? when times were hard and i was suicidal? not there for me. and here i am being there for her and i dont know why. im not going to be her best friend. ever again. there is no going back.. i was in her wedding. her marrage was ideal to me. but now its not. and also this guy who i thought was amazing i thought i could date him. but then we had sex and i thought maybe there was more to it, but no again there wasn't. i was his toy for like a couple weeks i guess. yeah and just another guy who i went on dates with but didnt have sex with he romanticized me but let me know he dint want to date but he was seeing like 5 women basically wanted me to be one of them i think. or i dont know. maybe i wont think on it to much but hes not good people. and i wont do it. i know bullshit when i see it. i have a better detector now. i am starting to see people after observing them, sometimes it takes a while to observe them and see what they do. but ive gotten better. and especially people that think they are the bomb they think they are so hot and sexy and great but there heart sucks. so yeah i dont know i dont see it all. but my bipolar self is sick of the toxic shit. also maybe its some of my rochester friends from the group i need to pick out and disassociate with, i was invited to a couple parties this month, dont know which i wanna go to and whatnot. i dont wanna do anything dumb because after last week and this weekend i pretty much made a fool out of myself. i also found a homeless person a home and helped out my friend by driving her brother to court. and people did good things for me which im thankful for too. so i just need friends who will be there for me. and i cant even say my church friends will be all the time either, im volunteering at church though for the kids thats fun and hard.