Ugghhhhh!!!!
Well, what a STINKY three weeks I've had!I've felt like a dishrag for what seems like FOREVER and I STILL haven't seen a check!I am soooooo.....angry! Not that money is my god, but this has been going on waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too long and I won't really feel free until I have it. I'll at least have some security. I'lll feel much more at ease when I get it.This is like being held over a barrel and between the disease itself and the lack of funding I have been held over this barrel for way too long.
Three of my "friends" have turned on me and hurt me terribly which I have never gotten over(and probably never will) plus my mean, nasty, vicious and cruel brother never even bothers with me. He never calls to see how I am, plus he just berates me or laughs like this excrutiatingly debilitating disease is some big fat joke. I have been good for nothing physically and emotionally and lately I have been wondering what good I am this way. Why am I here? What can I POSSIBLY give to the world? What good am I to others this way? Or myself? I have been extremely depressed, depressed to the point where I wish I had just gotten cancer and died. At least it would be over. Plus I'm sick and tired of being hurt by people. It has happened time and time again, and I DON'T deserve it!
Plus, it's scarey.....I never married, I have no children and my mother is close to eighty. I'll have nobody. It hurts and it scares me. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself? Well, too bad. Most of the time I'm pretty happy, but I can't do it all the time. Ask anybody, I've been a pretty darn good sport for the past six years.I'm sick of platitudes,too. I don't need anybody busting my chops and telling me to snap out of it, either. I'm in a lousy mood so just let me have it for once.If I hear one more platitude or sermon I'm going to scream!
Yeah, I'm angry....I'm angry and I don't care right now. Sometimes you just have to let it out. I don't do this very often. Thank you for listening.
Three of my "friends" have turned on me and hurt me terribly which I have never gotten over(and probably never will) plus my mean, nasty, vicious and cruel brother never even bothers with me. He never calls to see how I am, plus he just berates me or laughs like this excrutiatingly debilitating disease is some big fat joke. I have been good for nothing physically and emotionally and lately I have been wondering what good I am this way. Why am I here? What can I POSSIBLY give to the world? What good am I to others this way? Or myself? I have been extremely depressed, depressed to the point where I wish I had just gotten cancer and died. At least it would be over. Plus I'm sick and tired of being hurt by people. It has happened time and time again, and I DON'T deserve it!
Plus, it's scarey.....I never married, I have no children and my mother is close to eighty. I'll have nobody. It hurts and it scares me. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself? Well, too bad. Most of the time I'm pretty happy, but I can't do it all the time. Ask anybody, I've been a pretty darn good sport for the past six years.I'm sick of platitudes,too. I don't need anybody busting my chops and telling me to snap out of it, either. I'm in a lousy mood so just let me have it for once.If I hear one more platitude or sermon I'm going to scream!
Yeah, I'm angry....I'm angry and I don't care right now. Sometimes you just have to let it out. I don't do this very often. Thank you for listening.
Replies
Your welcome! That\'s what friends are for. You have every right to be angry, Beckie.
This illness takes everything from us. A lot of these things are irreplaceable!! Like friends! But you have to wonder what kind of friends they were if they leave you in your dark hours.....ya know?
Anyway, I\'m glad you vented out your anger in a journal. When things perk up for you, and you get your SSD, you\'ll look back at this journal and see that you were in a bad way many times....but it turned out ok. Hoping that turn around is right around the corner for you!!
I\'m here!!!
Thank you so much, Darla.....you ARE a true friend, plus you can relate. If you read my nest entry as well as the hug I sent you, you\'ll see that a monthly check has been issued today, WHOO HOO! No, no Dove factory yet, but it\'s a start! Whew! I feel better already ;)