Udderly Hilarious
This is so timely... I really did have a mamogram recently... and so the memory of the awkward positions they put you in as they squeeze your flabby ass mammary gland between those two sheets of glass till you feel it burn and sting... is fresh in my mind... so to laugh about it is helpful...
POWER OUTAGE
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with anexplanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which Iactually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perkyclipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side andcrooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to thewaist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking,'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away toprepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally)to theleft and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing,bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remainingcirculation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in aholding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between thosetwo 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working.Bet they hit a snag. ' Belinda said, and headed for the door.'Excuse me!You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belindakept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wideopen so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the otherpart smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how'sit going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utterdisbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied withas much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet,take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line atthe grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making noattempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry! ' Thepower came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I wentto lunch. Are we upset?'And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case
Dismissed!!'..
POWER OUTAGE
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with anexplanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which Iactually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perkyclipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side andcrooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to thewaist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking,'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away toprepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally)to theleft and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing,bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remainingcirculation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in aholding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between thosetwo 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working.Bet they hit a snag. ' Belinda said, and headed for the door.'Excuse me!You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belindakept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wideopen so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the otherpart smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how'sit going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utterdisbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied withas much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet,take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line atthe grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making noattempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry! ' Thepower came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I wentto lunch. Are we upset?'And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case
Dismissed!!'..
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