Two Years Down
Journal Entry April 2013
Well it was two years ago today that my divorce was final. I still can’t say if that was the End, Middle or Beginning of what lead me to where I am today? Or was it just another one of many heart wrenching days in my life? For All To Know, I am in a better spot with me and my soul now, Kind of! I am moving ever so gradually down a better path which I hope someday will bring me to a partner and companion that wants me for me and who I am equally devoted.
My youngest finished collage and will be married this summer. I have a contract on my house that will allow me to pay off the mortgage and have enough left over so I can put a down payment on some other place (When my heart tells me where that will be). So all is good, and I am almost healed as much as I can be from that portion of my life. I will always love my Ex and will be her friend forever but I am also glad I do not have the cuts from her words anymore. I still carry deep scars from the 24 years we were together. I know now many were delivered to keep me at “Arms Length” (note: I have only said this to a select few friends, but now : After the divorce the Ex finally got counseling and she admitted to herself that she is “gay”!! I feel she was also abused but that’s my feeling and she has not admitted that to herself yet). I just wish she would have admitted that to herself and me years ago and not wasted a good part of my life trying to be the husband I though I should be and make her happy. Now I know I could never make her happy no matter how hard I tried. Any Way she is a much happier person now.
A year ago when not looking I got involved with my soul mate and it was Incredible! I am blessed to know what true love and compatibility is now, but I convinced her she had unfinished business in her life and now she is gone (see my journal from last fall). My heart still aches for her. I miss her touch, her kisses, her smell, the feeling of her in my arms and the sunshine it gave to my insides! (Yes, Yes I know give it Time!) I will never “Get Over” Her, I just hope I can find the path that will lead me past this too, Soon! I do not like this EMPTY feeling. Someday I hope to be blessed and find that level of connection again. But I won’t settle, and I won’t do to someone what my Ex did to me. If I can’t give 100% of myself to whoever comes into my life, I will let them know and I will move on. I will not lie to someone for momentary companionship and MOSTLY I will not lie to myself!
For now? I am renting a nice place in the country, finally got my dawgs and horse with me and I am glad for their company. I missed having their loyalty and friendship this past year. I haven’t gotten to get out on the moto much but hope that diversion will blossom again this summer after completing the house sale, and then I can plan a long camping road trip. And I have begun finding my way back to my belief in my Lord God and Savior. YHVH and daily prayer got me through those 24 years and I know He will lead me to where I should be. That is not to say the way will be easy, but I am sure He will guide me.
I have already decided that when the house sale is done and I am not constantly traveling back and forth I will return to counseling. The packing associated with the house sale brings up a lot of emotions. It is time for some follow-up.
I saw given a quote yesterday that touched me:
“The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live” (unknown)
I died inside for many years but today and every day forward I promise to live.
SO This is where I am Today! In a better Spot than where I was, Empty inside right now but I have Hope for tomorrow, and because of that I live today!
I am thankful for all my DS friends and the support, encouragement and advice you each have given.
WTconfused.
Well it was two years ago today that my divorce was final. I still can’t say if that was the End, Middle or Beginning of what lead me to where I am today? Or was it just another one of many heart wrenching days in my life? For All To Know, I am in a better spot with me and my soul now, Kind of! I am moving ever so gradually down a better path which I hope someday will bring me to a partner and companion that wants me for me and who I am equally devoted.
My youngest finished collage and will be married this summer. I have a contract on my house that will allow me to pay off the mortgage and have enough left over so I can put a down payment on some other place (When my heart tells me where that will be). So all is good, and I am almost healed as much as I can be from that portion of my life. I will always love my Ex and will be her friend forever but I am also glad I do not have the cuts from her words anymore. I still carry deep scars from the 24 years we were together. I know now many were delivered to keep me at “Arms Length” (note: I have only said this to a select few friends, but now : After the divorce the Ex finally got counseling and she admitted to herself that she is “gay”!! I feel she was also abused but that’s my feeling and she has not admitted that to herself yet). I just wish she would have admitted that to herself and me years ago and not wasted a good part of my life trying to be the husband I though I should be and make her happy. Now I know I could never make her happy no matter how hard I tried. Any Way she is a much happier person now.
A year ago when not looking I got involved with my soul mate and it was Incredible! I am blessed to know what true love and compatibility is now, but I convinced her she had unfinished business in her life and now she is gone (see my journal from last fall). My heart still aches for her. I miss her touch, her kisses, her smell, the feeling of her in my arms and the sunshine it gave to my insides! (Yes, Yes I know give it Time!) I will never “Get Over” Her, I just hope I can find the path that will lead me past this too, Soon! I do not like this EMPTY feeling. Someday I hope to be blessed and find that level of connection again. But I won’t settle, and I won’t do to someone what my Ex did to me. If I can’t give 100% of myself to whoever comes into my life, I will let them know and I will move on. I will not lie to someone for momentary companionship and MOSTLY I will not lie to myself!
For now? I am renting a nice place in the country, finally got my dawgs and horse with me and I am glad for their company. I missed having their loyalty and friendship this past year. I haven’t gotten to get out on the moto much but hope that diversion will blossom again this summer after completing the house sale, and then I can plan a long camping road trip. And I have begun finding my way back to my belief in my Lord God and Savior. YHVH and daily prayer got me through those 24 years and I know He will lead me to where I should be. That is not to say the way will be easy, but I am sure He will guide me.
I have already decided that when the house sale is done and I am not constantly traveling back and forth I will return to counseling. The packing associated with the house sale brings up a lot of emotions. It is time for some follow-up.
I saw given a quote yesterday that touched me:
“The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live” (unknown)
I died inside for many years but today and every day forward I promise to live.
SO This is where I am Today! In a better Spot than where I was, Empty inside right now but I have Hope for tomorrow, and because of that I live today!
I am thankful for all my DS friends and the support, encouragement and advice you each have given.
WTconfused.
Replies
Your journal is so heartfelt and so inspiring. It\'s a good place to be..empty but full of hope. Hope is underrated as an emotion..it\'s what keeps us going, what makes us look forward to a better life and what every person who is still breathing should be holding onto. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I know God looks down with great mercy on the hopeful. Take care.
Wow, WT. What a beautiful journal entry. You have come a long way in your journey. I am so proud of you and the hard work you have done to get to this place. May you find all the joy and peace and fulfillment you long for!
With this level of commitment and insight it\'s only a matter of time before you find her.