Two weeks and Counting
I found out that the man my wife was sleeping with is married. So I was determined to find their home number. After a paid search I have come up with 3 numbers. I have thought long and hard about what I want to say. However, I seem to have a problem over analyzing my thoughts. I seem to believe that if I was to call his wife and let her know what he has and is doing, she will leave him and the jackass will have plenty of opportunity to come back to my small west texas town and try to scoop her up. Or it will make matters worse when he comes for the cotton season and visits her restaurant every day. Or he could just leave her alone.
Its gonna be a long year. I know temptation is a biXch, but so is regret.
It has been two long weeks since I found out that she ACTUALLY cheated on me. The weeks prior to me finding out were I thought awesome. I always have that thought in the back of my mind, what did I do, why does it always happen to me. But after a long first week back on the road since December, I have only thought of leaving her even more. Since I found out, we are talking a lot more and having sex a lot more. My problem is, all I seem to think about is, Is she thinking of him or me. Is she still talking to him. It hurts, A LOT! I am trying to move on. I am trying to forgive her. But she took part of that unquestionable love from from me and shared it with someone else. Someone who she just met. A seasonal regular at the restaurant. It is gonna be a long year till he comes back into town. My question now is, Will she have him again or will she deny him like I am hoping. Only time will tell. Till then, she has to try to build that bridge of trust again. I told her that it was just her half of the bridge. I feel like I am the one to blame. But so was she. If she wasn't locked in that lil box of her's, none of this would have ever happened. I would have been able to communicate with her since the beginning. In the 7 yrs of being together, I never knew half of the shit she told him. Never knew about those fantasies. Never knew how she really felt about me. I really don't think that I would feel so bad if she would have done this before the wedding. But only weeks after. Come on! I tried to give her everything she wanted. She said we weren't talking like we used to. I just got tired of hearing how her friend was such a whore. I already knew that. But I think back now and I should have A.) trusted my gut instinct and B.) knew that if her lil whore of a friend was cheating, then she would have done it too. Monkey see monkey do. I know that for a fact because when my friends wife was cheating on him with a co-worker 5 of her other friends were doin the same thing. Same with their divorce. He was leaving her so everyone who was near him (co-workers, room mates, brother) decided to do the same thing. Hell I wanted to do the same. But I didnt. I chose to stay because "I am in it to win it."
I feel like I have to redeem myself. I feel like I have to try harder to keep her from doing it again. She had the opportunity to leave but chose to stay. She had the opportunity to leave the kids and run off with the JACKASS. But she chose to stay. I find myself wanting to leave. But I can't. My heart will not let me. Neither will my distrust for her. If I leave, It will give her time to do it again.
I want to call his wife so bad. However, I am afraid of the outcome. Hell she might just know about it and chooses to stay. I was really hoping that she got pregnant on this deal. That would have been great. An annulment, my two boys, my house, and my money would have all been mine. Maybe thats why she decided to stay. That makes me want to leave all the much more.
I really want to meet him F2F. I want him to see that I am not the coward or the fool she made him believe.
(LETTER TO THE WIFE)
...he doesnt care about you. He just wanted that other notch on his belt. You should be happy to know that you were on top of his list. Along with all the other random nasties and truck stop whores. I bet that makes you proud. Who wants to be with a cheater who cheated with you on their significant other. They will do the same thing to you. Plus who wants to be with someone who freaked out about having another baby. Do you honestly think that he wants to give up all that glory of whores for 5 kids from three other men. Maybe thats why he screwed you. Because you gave him too much detail about our kids. He thought you were easy. And you were.
I figured I would write this in a journal because I cant come to say this to you face to face. I fucking hate what you did to me. Fuck you! Bitch! I hate you! I can punch everything in site but slapping you wouldn't do them justice.
Now that I have that off my chest, I can say that I will never say that to you because I have more respect for you than that. You are the mother of my kids and my WIFE. But because of what you did I will never trust you again. And if this marriage crumbles, I will never love again. I was doing good in that little hole you found me in. Thanks for digging a lil bigger and deeper. I'm sure the weight of that rock I've been carrying will just fit perfectly.
Now I am just rambling.
She knows how I feel about her. She knows that I still love her. She knows that I will always be there for her...
Enough journal for today
Its gonna be a long year. I know temptation is a biXch, but so is regret.
It has been two long weeks since I found out that she ACTUALLY cheated on me. The weeks prior to me finding out were I thought awesome. I always have that thought in the back of my mind, what did I do, why does it always happen to me. But after a long first week back on the road since December, I have only thought of leaving her even more. Since I found out, we are talking a lot more and having sex a lot more. My problem is, all I seem to think about is, Is she thinking of him or me. Is she still talking to him. It hurts, A LOT! I am trying to move on. I am trying to forgive her. But she took part of that unquestionable love from from me and shared it with someone else. Someone who she just met. A seasonal regular at the restaurant. It is gonna be a long year till he comes back into town. My question now is, Will she have him again or will she deny him like I am hoping. Only time will tell. Till then, she has to try to build that bridge of trust again. I told her that it was just her half of the bridge. I feel like I am the one to blame. But so was she. If she wasn't locked in that lil box of her's, none of this would have ever happened. I would have been able to communicate with her since the beginning. In the 7 yrs of being together, I never knew half of the shit she told him. Never knew about those fantasies. Never knew how she really felt about me. I really don't think that I would feel so bad if she would have done this before the wedding. But only weeks after. Come on! I tried to give her everything she wanted. She said we weren't talking like we used to. I just got tired of hearing how her friend was such a whore. I already knew that. But I think back now and I should have A.) trusted my gut instinct and B.) knew that if her lil whore of a friend was cheating, then she would have done it too. Monkey see monkey do. I know that for a fact because when my friends wife was cheating on him with a co-worker 5 of her other friends were doin the same thing. Same with their divorce. He was leaving her so everyone who was near him (co-workers, room mates, brother) decided to do the same thing. Hell I wanted to do the same. But I didnt. I chose to stay because "I am in it to win it."
I feel like I have to redeem myself. I feel like I have to try harder to keep her from doing it again. She had the opportunity to leave but chose to stay. She had the opportunity to leave the kids and run off with the JACKASS. But she chose to stay. I find myself wanting to leave. But I can't. My heart will not let me. Neither will my distrust for her. If I leave, It will give her time to do it again.
I want to call his wife so bad. However, I am afraid of the outcome. Hell she might just know about it and chooses to stay. I was really hoping that she got pregnant on this deal. That would have been great. An annulment, my two boys, my house, and my money would have all been mine. Maybe thats why she decided to stay. That makes me want to leave all the much more.
I really want to meet him F2F. I want him to see that I am not the coward or the fool she made him believe.
(LETTER TO THE WIFE)
...he doesnt care about you. He just wanted that other notch on his belt. You should be happy to know that you were on top of his list. Along with all the other random nasties and truck stop whores. I bet that makes you proud. Who wants to be with a cheater who cheated with you on their significant other. They will do the same thing to you. Plus who wants to be with someone who freaked out about having another baby. Do you honestly think that he wants to give up all that glory of whores for 5 kids from three other men. Maybe thats why he screwed you. Because you gave him too much detail about our kids. He thought you were easy. And you were.
I figured I would write this in a journal because I cant come to say this to you face to face. I fucking hate what you did to me. Fuck you! Bitch! I hate you! I can punch everything in site but slapping you wouldn't do them justice.
Now that I have that off my chest, I can say that I will never say that to you because I have more respect for you than that. You are the mother of my kids and my WIFE. But because of what you did I will never trust you again. And if this marriage crumbles, I will never love again. I was doing good in that little hole you found me in. Thanks for digging a lil bigger and deeper. I'm sure the weight of that rock I've been carrying will just fit perfectly.
Now I am just rambling.
She knows how I feel about her. She knows that I still love her. She knows that I will always be there for her...
Enough journal for today
Replies