two types of dreams
There are two kinds of dreams: the ones you have when you are awake, and the other are induced while asleep. Waking dreams are usually more pleasant. We dream about the future; where we want to go, what we want to do, places we want to be and the kind of people we want to meet. These things we think about are often what keep us going. They give us hope and make us happy. Give us a break from our long aching days. But when we are asleep our dreams are completely out of our control...
Last night I had a dream that I cut myself. I didn't stop at one thick slice, I felt like I was on my bathroom floor for an hour. There was cut after cut after cut... then the blood... it was everywhere. And just when I thought I might pass out I woke up.
I don't know what this dream means or if it even means anything, but I'm shaken. I don't feel right... I feel like I'm 16. And for most people that's a good thing, but for me it means I'm at my worst. I try to fill my head with more pleasant things. Theatre, fancy dresses, cities at night, but none of it's helping.
I've never wanted to harm myself more than I do today. It does not feel a robotic task anymore. It's a want that reminds me of the first time. When I wanted to feel something different. Distracted, beautiful. But I don't know if I can anymore. And if I did, would it even feel the same?
I'm not sure what to do or what to think. All I know is that I'm not okay. Everyone is calling me, and pulling me in all different directions of healing and I just want to be left alone. I just want to be alone.
Last night I had a dream that I cut myself. I didn't stop at one thick slice, I felt like I was on my bathroom floor for an hour. There was cut after cut after cut... then the blood... it was everywhere. And just when I thought I might pass out I woke up.
I don't know what this dream means or if it even means anything, but I'm shaken. I don't feel right... I feel like I'm 16. And for most people that's a good thing, but for me it means I'm at my worst. I try to fill my head with more pleasant things. Theatre, fancy dresses, cities at night, but none of it's helping.
I've never wanted to harm myself more than I do today. It does not feel a robotic task anymore. It's a want that reminds me of the first time. When I wanted to feel something different. Distracted, beautiful. But I don't know if I can anymore. And if I did, would it even feel the same?
I'm not sure what to do or what to think. All I know is that I'm not okay. Everyone is calling me, and pulling me in all different directions of healing and I just want to be left alone. I just want to be alone.
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