Two prophets,a woman,and me

Good morning journal,the time is now 11:10am and I'm going to post a little part of what I've been working on, that's it, I just feel like doing it, so here it is.TWO PROPHETS, A WOMAN, AND ME.ONEI don't really remember when it began or when they became a part of me, my voices I mean, looking back, it was well over a year ago I suppose.  I had been at work, at that time I wore a uniform and walked a beat in my role as a civil enforcement officer, it must have been around February of 2012 when I became aware of whispers in my head, at first I put them down to me just having random thoughts in my sub-conscious mind and I sort of dismissed them as being nothing to be overly concerned about.  As time passed, and days grew into weeks however, I started to make little mistakes as I went about my daily duties.  I would forget the names of streets I had walked down for years on my patrol, and I began to experience unexplained gaps in my memory when I appeared to function normally but couldn't remember what I had done or said which was disconcerting to say the least, and not an ideal situation for an officer of the law whose job it was to control traffic on the highway.  If a motorist happened to commit an offence, I sometimes forgot the particular identifying code for whatever violation they had broken, yet this part of my duties was something I should have known in my sleep, and I could not come up with any rational explanation as to why my ability to carry out my duties in a fit and professional manner was being impaired in this way, and to such a degree.  What I should have done was report my fears to my superior officer, but I was reluctant to do so in case I was suspended pending the outcome of an investigation into my health and my fitness to carry out my duties was assessed.  I didn't even tell my wife, instead I tried to carry on and work through problems I encountered daily on my own, but as time passed, it became increasingly difficult to stay focussed, and gradually some violation tickets I had issued came back cancelled, or won on an appeal, because of mistakes I had made in completing details of the offence in my notes, or insufficient photographic evidence, incomplete notes, little things that I should have known and remembered, yet I simply forgot to do, these were rookie errors yet I was a vastly experienced officer, but still the mistakes and omissions from my reports continued.  Several times my friend and supervisor asked me if I was okay, my answer was always the same, ”I'm just a little tired, I'm fine," and because he had trained me and knew how good an officer I was, he accepted that and I was allowed to carry on.  The other part of my job which was vital was having the ability to diffuse potentially violent or aggressive situations, sometimes when you issue a fine or fixed penalty punishment for an offence, the driver you fine gets understandably upset and sometimes threatens you, or in extreme cases, puts his hands on you.  At times like this, your training should automatically kick in and you should be able to remain calm and take any potential danger out of the equation, and I was good at it, but as time went on, and my voices grew louder, I became dangerously unstable and unable to control my responses, and sometimes my reactions were less than professional.  I began to realize that I was like a ticking unexploded bomb and that I was in danger of exploding and possibly hurting someone, I was dangerous, yet still I tried to carry on.  I became more and more secretive in front of my colleagues, speaking only when I was spoken to, and giving guarded and non specific answers to questions asked by them, until even simple day to day conversations resulted in one or two word replies.  I was withdrawing from everybody, my friends and colleagues, my wife, and I was suspicious of  people I had known for years, and even more suspicious of people I didn't know.  By the early Summer of 2012, I knew that mentally I was in trouble, the voices were more insistent, and at times even forceful, and I began to have thoughts of self harm and suicide on an almost daily basis, and yet I still wouldn't ask for help, I had always been the type of man who worked through problems on my own, and I still clung to the hope that I could sort this thing out by myself, I was wrong.The morning of July 27th 2012 was warm and sunny and I was scheduled to patrol the various car parks in our enforcement area, the morning patrol up until lunchtime was pleasant in the sun and I began to think that I had regained a little control over my mind and my unexplained and dangerously volatile emotional state.  My voices had been largely quiet throughout the morning, and I began to relax slightly, I remember going back to base for lunch,sitting with two of my colleagues,then it all becomes very hazy, my colleagues must have finished their lunch break I assume although I have no recollection of them leaving for their afternoon patrol, and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor with one of the police officers with whom we shared the office bending over me and telling me not to move.  I don't remember the ambulance which took me to hospital,or anything that happened to me when I was admitted, until I sort of came to and found my wife at my side.   That's all I have to say right now journal, till next time, peace go with us.