two more days

this is horrible, i feel like i'm dieing i'm just so sad. and i hate feeling like this, its so wrong. i hate being in a bad mood. i just want to be happy again...........why why why cant i controll this?!?!? i can always controll the way i feel it was one of the few things i prided myself on. but not now, no defn not now. i can hardly breath, its like i'm suffocating in my own skin and all i want to do is dig a giant whole in my backyard and crawl into it and curl up into the fetal postion and hide.i hate my memorys, i feel stalked by them. do i even have the right to feel this distresed? i new this week would be hard but i had no idea....it shouldnt affect me this much, i shouldnt let her affect me this much. i hate it i hate it i hate it. is it weird i feel almost like i'm floating. its so out of body i can hardly stand it. soon it will be over.. soon and then things will go back to normal, then i can function again. but all i can think about are the 5 hours by myself with my psychotic mom, the five hours of nothing but fear and dread and wanting to die. i wish i could just run away, i could just go live with my bf, it would all be so simpal then. but thats not an option for me, i dont get to escape. theres no running from my own mind. it just doesnt fucking work like that. FUCK!!!!!