two months later

Woo. It has been a while...
...haven't been too motivated to write about it much though.  I've been seeing a therapist since August.  So far it's helping - has also contributed to my reluctance to write, just couldn't bring myself to process everything again. 
So, to recap, the hardest thing this year has been that my 90-year old Dad is now in a nursing home, and the placement is most likely permanent.  It's been horrible for Mom, 83, who has significant limitations herself.  She's just barely making it - and I worry that she will exhaust herself into oblivion trying to manage.  Stubborn, won't accept help.  On top of that, she has more difficulty processing information and the stress doesn't make it any easier.  It's heartbreaking to watch. I try to call her a little more frequently to check in.
Also very very VERY trying has been my relationship with Janie, my sister.  All of the above difficult enough, but she's the reason I went back to therapy.  If I've learned anything this year, it's that there is not going to be any easy path through the passing of our parents simply because of the nature of Janie's disability.  It's the weight of that fear/worry/stress/despair that makes me not want to regurgitate it here.  Hard enough to do it in therapy.  After coming out, this may be the most difficult thing I've ever had to face. 
Still considering whether I want to take medication for anxiety.  A consultation with a psychiatrist suggested that while I don't need it per se he thinks that I would find it beneficial.  Haven't made that plunge yet, still cogitating.
It will be okay.  I will get through.  I don't know how, but I will get through.
Some days it's easier to believe that than others!
At the moment, everyone is relatively healthy, calm and stable.  So to distract myself I've been test-driving cars since August, about 25 different vehicles at this point.  The good news is that I've received the okay from my credit union, so hopefully before the end of the month I'll have a new Subaru Outback.
Which is a good thing because my 10-year-old Volvo has cost me $10K in repairs over the last two years... and I've never really liked the way it handled in rain and snow (even with snow tires).  It's time.
Besides which, a more reliable car (with all wheel drive!) means it will be easier to make that 10-hour drive if I need to, even if it's winter.  Sounds like a good rationalization, right? - I'm doing it for my parents!  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I'm using a new online service called CarWoo! to locate a car and the best deal.  They set up a reverse auction for you - you take the best deal and that's the price you pay, all haggling done, no back-and-forthing to various dealerships to get a lower price.  They say average search time for most customers is 5 days, I started my search this evening.  I'll let you know how it works.
Got my fingers crossed!
And finally...  School is going well.  New principal making a huge difference.  A parent commented to me today that school seemed like a much happier place.  It is.
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Sorry to hear that it\'s been such a rough year. Sounds like you\'re handling it well. About anxiety - I use a couple different OTC amino acids. Works for me. If you\'re interested, just message me.
Hope things calm down a bit in this coming year. Enjoy the holidays!
L8bloomer
L8bloomer

Glad to see you back. You are inspirational to me the way you cope with the curve balls life throws.

I\'m skeptical of anti-anxiety meds too so I understand hesitation.

I drove a friends Forester across a slickery mountain pass in a white-out blizzard once. It was hands down the most stable and predictable car I\'d ever driven in such conditions. The Outbacks look better IMO.

Wishing you all the best for you and your family in 2011.
deleted_user
deleted_user

My first thought was \"Wow, out from under the woodwork!\" My second was for your health and well being. You have been in my thoughts a lot over the past few months...no need to rehash anything, I know where you\'re at.
I think when you are able to talk about things, even if it\'s just stuff about your car, it does you wonders for anxiety. I think anxiety frequently comes of holding worry in. you can\'t talk about things...not with Janie, not with your mom...you\'re kinda precious short on good listeners and people able to respond with supportive perspectives! And when you do let it out to your therapist, of course it\'s an ordeal because it\'s been all blocked up inside you.
Maybe you need more fiber... but defnately keep focused on school, because I think that\'s your happy place right now!
And looking forward to you getting the Outback and hearing more about your experience with \"Carwoo\"
colored-cheerios
colored-cheerios

You commitment to yourself through all of this is amazing to me. Being mindful and finding a way to deal with your sister is the healthiest way possible for both of you is truly what family is all about. Glad to hear your dad is stable. Sorry to hear that things are stressful for your mom.

I am wondering if the anxiety medicine would help \"situationally\" for you instead of an all the time medication. Just my thought.

So excited to hear you are thinking about buying a new car. I just bought a Dodge Charger. It is a commitment and it sounds like it is something you have thought out. Can\'t wait to hear how the experience works with CarWoo .. wish I had know of it ... Have a very peaceful holiday season
Fiddler
Fiddler

Thank you all! I\'ll be responding to each of you soon. You\'ve made my day.