Two months

Today marks the two month point.  Mind blowing.  I can't believe two months have gone by already.  I can still recall the details of the morning vividly.  I got the call from rehab at a little before 8am that Dina was back at Mass General for a CT scan.  Didn't think much of it except that she would be pissed and disheartened that her second stint in rehab was even shorter than the first one.  Oh well, we'll move forward like we've been doing for 4 months now.  Except the call from the ER 45 minutes later changed that.  They told me to come in, just as I was about to pass the exit, and they said it was serious.  They found blood on her brain.  I called my mother-in-law then my twin brother.  Got to the hospital, went into the ER and literally almost ran into her as they were taking her for another test.  From that quick encounter I knew this wasn't going to end well.  I waited in the ER bay that she had just come from.  Only minutes later they were back.  Something had happened with her heart on the way to the test, a trickle down effect from the brain hemorrhage they found.  After a minute to touch/kiss/talk to her I was asked to leave.  A few minutes later the neurologist found me and delivered his news...no brainstem function.  I immediately knew my decision but wanted to talk to my mother-in-law, who arrived just a few minutes later.  She supported me.  We both knew Dina would not want a life like that, if she were to even recover, which didn't seem likely.  She wouldn't have wanted our daughter to see her like that.  Her long, courageous and inspiring 4 month fight to get home to us was over.  Her long suffering was over, though to be honest that didn't provide me much comfort.  After taking time with my in-laws I began making the worst phone calls of my life.  I was calling family and friends to let them know what was happening.  And to let them know they were welcome to come see her one last time if they wanted to.  To illustrate how much she meant to those that knew her there were about 25-30 people there within a couple hours.  The love for her, and me, was overwhelming.  There is no way to know but I really hope she knew we were all there.  At around 1:45PM on April 11th, exactly one month shy of turing 34, she passed away, surrounded by loved ones and with my head laying on hers.    
In a way the daily routine of my life hasn't changed a great deal since her passing.  She hadn't been home since early December.  But obviously in many other ways life has not been the same since then.  Even though she was in the hospital I still saw her everyday of those 4 months and our daughter saw her a couple times a week after she had improved some.  We expected that she would be coming home.  We talked about how life was going to change.  It was going to be a challenge at first while she continued to recover but it was going to get better.  We were never going to worry about small things ever again.  We were going to do everything we possibly could for our daughter.  We talked about things we were going to do, the vacation we were planning, the day trips we were going to take.  We had hope.  Now she's gone forever and it's still not usually 100% real.  For the most part I'm doing surprisingly well with tough moments thrown in.  I think part of that is the 4 months in the hospital almost served as a transition to this new life.  But for the most part it is our 3 year old daughter.  She makes me smile everyday and keeps me going.  She is the most important thing in my world.  I live my life now to make sure she will never forget her mother.