TWLOHA

Tonight I watched TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS. It reminded me of treatment. It made me think of tattoos. Of the ones I want to get. Of a new one I thought of. I want the Im fine/ save me tattoo on my arm. And I want the hand bruise on my ankle, with the flower growing out of it. And I think I want a blue butterfly somewhere, flying, not still.

I want it to mean that although I (right now) am on the otherside of recovery, everything is in motion; all the time. I want the marks I make on my body to mean something. I used to think that I wanted them to be scars, so people would understand just how hurt I was on the inside. Sometimes I still want that; want it to be scars. But mostly, I want them to be pictures, to see not just how much it hurts but how beautiful it is.

I wish that I didn't go through what I did. I wish that nobody did. But if I didn't go through all of that, I wouldn't be where I am now. And where I am now is beautiful, and hard, and I still feel lonely sometimes. But now I have a purpose. I want to help others, to understand in a way most other people can't. I was a scared and hurt and alone and... And sometimes I still feel those things; I am not those things though. I feel those things but I am not those things.

I want tattoos to be a story that I write on myself. People say that I could just draw those things. And some of them I can, not well. And people say "what will that look like when you're old". It will look like my life, and hopefully people will ask about the tattoos and I can tell them about my life. 

Tonight, I feel sad. Today I felt happy. Tomorrow; will be endless.