Twice A Week With My Therapist Yeah!

I went to my therapist today.  We talked about lots of things.  I told her how I always feel like there’s never enough time.  We don’t get to everything or we touch lightly on things and don’t go deeply.  I told her how I’ve really been trying and things aren’t working.  I hate being like this and asking for things for myself.  I said how she didn’t like the phone messages, the tape recorder took up too much time and although the journaling is helpful (I write a lot) she’s the one that’s helping me and she’s not reading it.    So we talked about options with my insurance company (they probably won’t do it), sessions with my husband (he’d have to be there and it’s hard to get a late afternoon time – she’s so booked every day – she even showed me), check-in phone calls (I hate to bother her – that’s why I told her I thought the messages were good because I didn’t bother her) and extra sessions that I would pay at a discounted rate.  She said if I go to massage therapy I may not need the extra sessions because of how she works with energy releasing or something.  And, I would be spending the money on that instead.  I said no because it’s not talking and I need to be talking.    She first said 40.00 and I said I couldn’t do that.  She asked me how much I could pay and I said 20.00 a session.  She said, “Then that’s what it’ll be.”  I was so happy!  That was like music to my ears.  That’s an extra 80.00 or 100.00 a month which is a lot to me but I’m so happy she’s willing to do that.  She is a sweetheart and God should protect her always.  And, keep that cancer away!  Since I go on Thursdays we decided on Mondays & Thursdays but she can’t do it this coming week.  We have to start the next week.  She starts radiation this coming Monday.  I’m not sure how she can fit me into a time slot every Monday after that but not this coming Monday.  Is she putting someone else out or maybe it has to do with the radiation.  It may be awkward but when my new Monday appointment time is, when she can’t see me this coming week, I’ll be in the office waiting for the massage therapist.  She’ll see me maybe and wonder what I’m doing there.  But she knows I may see that massage therapist.  I really shouldn’t worry.  We talked about working out that I didn’t see my friend there if she decided to go to the massage therapist.  I told her I have no problems telling the massage therapist.  She said that would be better than her doing it because then she can see my face and such.  She asked me what would be the worst thing if she found out I was seeing a counselor there.  I said it would be more ammunition against me since she bad mouthed me so much.    I called the massage therapist and I’m going to go Monday and talk more about what she does and have something done – I’m not sure what.  I’m worried about having to go to the bathroom with her and I wanted to talk to my therapist about it.  But now I think it would be good for me to figure this out myself.  I plan on maybe just a little – no more than 10-20 minutes so I should be fine.  Kind of makes me feel good to be able to figure this out on my own and then tell her later.   We talked a little more about what happened at the doctor’s office the other day.  About how she asked me if I could let go of the shame and I said I could and I was fine with it.  She asked me if I dwelled on it and I said no.  She was so happy for me.  But I had one of those bad dreams I get sometimes that night.  That everyone was yelling at me what I bad person I am, how I ruined the test and have to drink more and I said I couldn’t.  How the people at the counter were in it, too.  I told her I guess I’m still not 100% OK with it. She asked me how I would have liked the dream to be.  I said that either everyone ignored it or didn’t make a big deal about it.  That they were nice about it.  She said I deserve that and can I imagine that?  Yes.  She asked me how I felt talking about it (she gave me the tappers to hold).  I said like I’m re-living it again and kinda shaky.  I told her how, the girl at the doctor’s office, as soon as we got into the room she took one look at me and said, “You’re dying!”  And then I started going.  I said how it’s pretty obvious, like she’s seen me many times, when I have to go that bad.  And when the door was locked I didn’t want to stand there in the middle with everyone there just wetting my pants.  So I stood against the wall near that counter thing.  I didn’t know how well it hid me but I wasn’t out in the open.  That counter thing is small - really just to write on.   I also told her that all the exposure therapies we are doing, although it’s hard, they are working.  It made this feel familiar.  Because we’ve done situations like this before.  I said how I thought later, my brain goes on vacation in these situations, that I could have imagined the girl at the doctor’s office was her.  Because when we do these she’s so good, so calm with me like no big deal.  The exposure therapies are working and that’s a good thing.  She thanked me for telling her that story.  That surprised me she said that.  Then she told me on her trip to Florida she thought about me.  She was on a boat and they went to this little island and she had to go to the bathroom.  It would be a while until they got back and to the house.  So she thought if I can do it, she can do it.  So she went to the bathroom somewhere in the bushes.  I asked her if she had to go badly.  She said by then she did.  She thought what she could have done to prepare for this.  She said she would have worn her swimming suit in the boat and then just got in the water and went.  I guess she was trying to get me to think preparing is always good.   She wants me to try to think, when I’m at my granddaughter’s rehabilitation center, that my best friend who died, is with me.  Think of it as a positive thing instead.  She thought it was so strange how I then went to her office and saw that person who knows that friend of mine (who is my best friend’s sister).  I said, you mean God planned it that way.  She said she thinks my friend did and she’s with me.  She said she feels it many situations herself about her Dad who just passed on not to long ago.    I showed her pictures, finally got them, of where my youngest son now lives.  I miss him so much.  It’s like the family is not complete without him.  How he grows things (I know she likes to garden) and now he wants to either go to Peru or Alaska.  I told him not Peru.  He might get diseases or get captured.  Her son is in El Salvador so I asked how he’s doing.  Fine.  No diseases or captured?  No.  That’s good.  Towards the end of the session I needed to go to the bathroom.  I wanted to view the throwing up YouTube videos.  She asked me if I wanted to go but I said I would when she’s looking at the video.  We talked a minute or two, I showed her where it was on my IPod and I went.  I came back and asked her how bad it was.  She was laughing.  She said it’s in a different language – Spanish and it’s funny.  The first time we watched she held it far away.  Then got closer.  It was hard for me to watch.  Once I closed my eyes but the other times I didn’t.  I kinda moved/looked away a little.  She said it’s only natural to do that.  I told her I wanted to look at another one, a different video.  She said not until I get bored of this one.  I told her I was bored.  She looked doubtfully at me and told me she doesn’t buy that.  So we had to look at it a couple more times.  Time was over by then and she asked me why I felt ready to do this.  Because of my granddaughter? Or because of the Trip? Or because I was ready.  I said I was ready.  I’ve had this fear since I was about 7 and I don’t know if it’ll work but I’m willing to try.  We’ll work more on this.  I told her only 7 more weeks until my trip.  But the extra sessions will help.  She agreed.  Like I said, I’m so greatfull she is my therapist.  She is so very nice.  I don’t want her to get tired of me and I feel badly I feel so needy right now.  But at least I want the therapy and am asking for help.  Some people don’t even do that.  I just hope there will be a time I won’t need so much because my life will be fulfilled positively in other ways.  I think that’s a major part of it.  I can’t feel badly for myself for this.  She wouldn’t want me to I don’t think.  A couple times today she said about me deserving the good things.  That’s nice.