Twenty Seven Months
So it's been 27 months since I've gazed on my kind husband's face. Even beat up by cancer.... he was gorgeous to me.
I don't want it to have been that long since we've touched, since I've seen his gentle eyes. Since we talked................
I appear quite fine on the outside and now keep the anguish deep inside.
It is a private, lonely pain........... because 24 months is past acceptable time period for showing grief outwardly. I know, I know but that's just the way it is.
There will be no end date to my pain and I don't really want it to end. I have learned to live with it............to sense Bill all day - everyday. I see him "in every corner."
For me now, ......this life is part of a wonderful journey back to Bill. On this journey, there will be good and bad but that's fine as long as I'm pointed in the right direction.........toward the light :) ........ toward the Good Lord where Bill is :) :)
I know it's now my time to comfort and support others as I limp my way HOME. I formed a griefshare suppport group where we really, really talk. It is a SAFE place and I know Jesus smiles upon us as we fight and claw back to faith....back to hope.
These days I feel like Bill is always around me...........just there, you know? I carry a part of him deep in my heart so we're still together that way and I am now able to hear Bill whisper in my ear, "I knew you could do it Karen and I'm so proud."
Thanks much for taking time to read this.
Karen
(deep inside it's still BillandKaren)!!!
I don't want it to have been that long since we've touched, since I've seen his gentle eyes. Since we talked................
I appear quite fine on the outside and now keep the anguish deep inside.
It is a private, lonely pain........... because 24 months is past acceptable time period for showing grief outwardly. I know, I know but that's just the way it is.
There will be no end date to my pain and I don't really want it to end. I have learned to live with it............to sense Bill all day - everyday. I see him "in every corner."
For me now, ......this life is part of a wonderful journey back to Bill. On this journey, there will be good and bad but that's fine as long as I'm pointed in the right direction.........toward the light :) ........ toward the Good Lord where Bill is :) :)
I know it's now my time to comfort and support others as I limp my way HOME. I formed a griefshare suppport group where we really, really talk. It is a SAFE place and I know Jesus smiles upon us as we fight and claw back to faith....back to hope.
These days I feel like Bill is always around me...........just there, you know? I carry a part of him deep in my heart so we're still together that way and I am now able to hear Bill whisper in my ear, "I knew you could do it Karen and I'm so proud."
Thanks much for taking time to read this.
Karen
(deep inside it's still BillandKaren)!!!
Replies
It does not get better, Karen, but it gets different.Your grief will subside. I remember well those first few years on the widows\'walk. Once at work I started crying. My lady supervisor asked what was wrong. I said, \"i can\'t remember what his belly button looks like.\" She was kind and said she understood. But, no, she did not. He was fading.
However, even though the details of his physical being are lost to me, his presence is not. It will be different, Karen, bearable, better. It took me more than give years
That should have been more than five years before I could function fully without him. It is not better, but it is different. You will be okay in your own time. Peace and Love, Lynn
Karen,
I know what it feels like to keep that anguish hidden deep inside--that can\'t be healthy, but, as you say--that\'s the way it is. I also feel my husband around me every day, all day long, and don\'t care if I ever see a day when I don\'t feel his presence. I\'ll live this way, regardless of what others think I should do, and I\'ll try to put on a mask whenever they need me to be present in their reality. I can\'t help that this love for him consumes me--it always has. Hugs to you...
Karen, I so understand. You look FINE on the outside, when inside behind the eyes, there is always a sadness that so many miss. But we all know that sadness.
How WONDERFUL that you have formed a support group and are helping others. There is NOTHING in the world that compares to being able to reach out and touch someone while on this journey. You will be zoomed to that light and to Bill when the time comes for you knowing you ahve so MUCH to tell him. finding out that he already knows as you know now, he is always with you in every step of this life yet to live, tucked securely inside your heart.
What a putpose to make this life worth liveing? Knowing he is along for the ride of his eternity!!!!!!!!!!
Love to you and so glad to see such a great update! diane
Karen,
As I read your journal, I think how much our society doesn\'t know anything about grief----they put time lines and end lines on something that simply doesn\'t have one. I am approaching 2 years in a few weeks and I feel the same way----not acceptable to continue to show my grief except with trusted friends and trusted family----thank God for them. My heart certainly isn\'t healed and I will always carry Stan in my heart with me in this new life.
Thanks for sharing your heart so beautifully.
Hugs to you,
Sallie
Thank you so much..
for taking the time to comment.
I wonder if others are thinking.......\"allright already. Enough.\"
I understand, you don\'t want to forget the pain because it keeps them close in our hearts. But I hope in time we can feel the strength to go forward with our lives the way they would want us to and the pain is different but not forgotten. Sometimes I forget he is gone and expect him to come in the room or think of something we can do together and them realize he is gone. It is so excruciating. But I think it also means that I loved him so much and that our love was strong and special, that is why I miss him so much. Please take care, hugs, Lynn
We will see them again along with Jesus.
Prov 3:5-6