TW: Cold steel kisses

Woke to a new day with thoughts of a razor blade romance and covering myself in cold steel kisses...Blood soaked nightmares that are my life..Why is this in me...Why now?? Is this a test I am meant to fail?? Life has not been so bad to me...So why do I want to be so bad to my life?? Can anyone other than me really answer these questions??  Skin crawls fresh out of bed I stretch to greet the day and it hits me like a truck moving at 120kms an hour..My body shakes and my stomach turns, I feel sick inside...sick of being me...Sick of feeling this way..Have thoughts of literally cutting the bad parts of my brain out...Darkness controls my mind...Another day fighting to stay alive and fighting to be stronger that these dark delusions that control my every waking moment....Head starts to pound I feel like taking meds and going back to bed in hopes I will wake up with a new outlook...doubtful.Can anyone here hear my cry's for help?? If so why don't the come to save me?? Should I just give up and stay here at the bottom of this pit??  They look down and say "Well how did you get yourself into this mess now?? You must have done something wrong!! Its not every day someone just falls into a well you know..." And at the bottom I look up tears streaming down my face wondering why the hell we cant have this conversation AFTER they pull me up...At least then I could walk away from the judgement they cast apon me...Here I sit with everyone looking down at me screaming "Why do you do this to yourself" I do not want to be this way!!! Why don't they get it!!! I don't enjoy the dark, I am scared of the dark...So why cant they see that!!! My mind races...Its moving so fast I feel faint...Tired and sick inside...Want to drown myself in sorrow or drugs...I wonder if I can fight forever and if so will I win or lose...I want to see the future...I want to know what happens...Should I keep fighting?? I am just typing now what is in my head...I wish I could stop thinking completely...I wish I could choose what I feel always...Id kick out the bad and replace with the good, The love I feel for my saviors the people who are here for me!! And the compassion I feel for others and their sadness, The lust I feel for fixing other peoples problems while secretly being consumed with my own..I cant keep it secret forever...Someone has to hear my secrets..Here I sit typing them out for everyone here to read...I fear judgement I fear bad thoughts and vibrations in the universe coming at me...I need love I need compassion I need strength...Please throw the rope down the well....Please? Can this possibly work??? Or is it me who needs to find my own way out completely...I could go on and on forever....I guess Ill just curl up at the bottom of my well and take the abuse for now...