Turning the Tides
Hey everybody i want to begin by letting ya'll know im DONE WITH MATH TIL MY BACHELORS DEGREE. It took 8 years and 7 attempts but finally i got it!! Now i have just science, general ed and sociology based courses to work on till the end of my degree. In a way i have yet to truly realize it has happened, but when i return in the spring and i'm not doing math work it will hit me. Alongside that I think i have finally met a soulmate but i am not fully certain yet. I have known her for about two years and yet i remember the first day that we locked eyes with each other. Behind all of this though lies a predicament. We are growing as friends and with that growth comes the conversation about our present, and even past. Recently i have informed her that, as the tbi stricken individual i am, I can get angry from time to time.
This statement caused her to retract a little, as she believed i would be capable of physically harming her. What i wish too explain to her is that my anger comes in a different form. It is not blind rage, but something internal that causes headaches and feelings of anger not directed at anyone in particular. I think I am starting to fall in love with her and that is why i am letting this out on here. She has mental and physical disabilities so she has her own view on how much of a struggle life can be. I don't know if I will have a chance like this again, but i don't want this beautiful person to be intimated because of who i am.
What should i do?
Replies
Show her this journal, if you are comfortable with that, or read it to her (even better because it is more intimate). She won't know what you are thinking and feeling unless you tell her. These thoughts are for her, not for us, we are just a drawing board. Express how much you care about her and that your rage is not blind, That you are sharing these parts of her with you because you want to let her into your heart and you hope that you can earn her trust enough for her to open her heart to you in return. But that in opening your heart to her, there is no expectation of her feelings. If that makes sense. It's not like "I am telling you this so you will love me" it's more "I am telling you this because I trust you and I hope one day you can trust me too."
Open you heart and soul to her. Ask her how she wants to be loved. LISTEN to her. Love her the way she wants to be love. Be vulnerable. Nothing beautiful ever comes without a little risk.
Take what you will from this.
I am so glad to hear you are doing better than yesterday and that you are seeing light in the world and in another person.