Turning Another Corner
Just when I think I have turned a corner, another shows up! Ha! As many of you know, my children's Dad is dying. I have talked to him and pretty much shared and owned my part of our marriage and thanked him for being part of my journey and thanked him for giving me two of the most precious gifts I have ever been given; my children. And because of this, I have been blessed with the most precious gift in life; my Grandson.
That being said, the other day my kids told me their Dad told them at his death they would be receiving $100, 000.00 apiece. Then last week he told them it would be $50,000.00 apiece. The rest would go to his wife and when she passed they would bet the rest. He told them there would be no will as will's do not necessarily stand up in court I guess he has experienced that at one time.
Anyway, I WAS LIVID. I kept my mouth shut as my kids talked, but I was angry. I sat on it for a while and had decided I was going to talk to them about the importance of a will; and, it's a possibility they could end up with NOTHING.
I PRAYED over this situation for a week and asked to see it differently; differently came.
Dale often talked to my kids about me and my behavior raising them (my screaming, hollering, etc.) but, he never did anything about it. He didn't talk to me, he still SELDOM took them and I pretty much did all the rearing of them...not such a good job, but I did the best I possibly knew how.
This situation, I realized has NOTHING TO DO with the money; it has everything with him ONCE AGAIN not protecting them. Guess who's Dad did not protect her? MINE! I can remember my Dad saying when he saw bruises on my face "I don't know why your Mom acts like she does, I don't know why your Mom does the things she does." I remember when I told him I was being sexually abused by my step-brother....NOTHING! No protection whatsoever.
I have been angry at the kids Dad my whole life for choosing women/his life over the kids (married 4 times) and leaving them behind. And...here he is dying and I was still wanting him to be there for my kids. IT IS NOT MY PLACE AND IT IS NOT MY CIRCUS SO TO SPEAK.
I am letting this go (only after 40 some years) washing my hands of it and letting this situation be what it may. In order to get to this point, I had to once again, enter that dark tunnel, feel the anger, sadness, resentment, I felt at my Dad for NEVER PROTECTING me or NEVER STANDING UP FOR ME. I also gave myself permission to feel the anger at my ex.
I honestly realize I made a zillion mistakes and that leads me to realize my parents and the kids Dad has made just as many. We are products of our environment and until we understand that and are willing to change; things stay the same.
I am willing to change, grow, forgive, etc. I am willing to enter that dark place because I know it is calling me to the Light.
I really feel in my heart I can embrace Dale, his life, his experience with his children and trust the Universe will take care of it much better than I ever thought about doing.
I have been sick for two weeks. Finally went to the Dr. yesterday and what I have is viral; but he gave me a Z pack because he said it has been going on so long with me, that he said there's a possibility it could turn bacterial. So, hopefully I am on the mend. But you know, with the situation I have been dealing with, maybe it was a good thing I was slowed down and couldn't run from it.
Happy Sunday everyone! xo
One day your heart will take you to your Lover. One day your soul will carry you to the Beloved. Don't get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.
~ Rumi
That being said, the other day my kids told me their Dad told them at his death they would be receiving $100, 000.00 apiece. Then last week he told them it would be $50,000.00 apiece. The rest would go to his wife and when she passed they would bet the rest. He told them there would be no will as will's do not necessarily stand up in court I guess he has experienced that at one time.
Anyway, I WAS LIVID. I kept my mouth shut as my kids talked, but I was angry. I sat on it for a while and had decided I was going to talk to them about the importance of a will; and, it's a possibility they could end up with NOTHING.
I PRAYED over this situation for a week and asked to see it differently; differently came.
Dale often talked to my kids about me and my behavior raising them (my screaming, hollering, etc.) but, he never did anything about it. He didn't talk to me, he still SELDOM took them and I pretty much did all the rearing of them...not such a good job, but I did the best I possibly knew how.
This situation, I realized has NOTHING TO DO with the money; it has everything with him ONCE AGAIN not protecting them. Guess who's Dad did not protect her? MINE! I can remember my Dad saying when he saw bruises on my face "I don't know why your Mom acts like she does, I don't know why your Mom does the things she does." I remember when I told him I was being sexually abused by my step-brother....NOTHING! No protection whatsoever.
I have been angry at the kids Dad my whole life for choosing women/his life over the kids (married 4 times) and leaving them behind. And...here he is dying and I was still wanting him to be there for my kids. IT IS NOT MY PLACE AND IT IS NOT MY CIRCUS SO TO SPEAK.
I am letting this go (only after 40 some years) washing my hands of it and letting this situation be what it may. In order to get to this point, I had to once again, enter that dark tunnel, feel the anger, sadness, resentment, I felt at my Dad for NEVER PROTECTING me or NEVER STANDING UP FOR ME. I also gave myself permission to feel the anger at my ex.
I honestly realize I made a zillion mistakes and that leads me to realize my parents and the kids Dad has made just as many. We are products of our environment and until we understand that and are willing to change; things stay the same.
I am willing to change, grow, forgive, etc. I am willing to enter that dark place because I know it is calling me to the Light.
I really feel in my heart I can embrace Dale, his life, his experience with his children and trust the Universe will take care of it much better than I ever thought about doing.
I have been sick for two weeks. Finally went to the Dr. yesterday and what I have is viral; but he gave me a Z pack because he said it has been going on so long with me, that he said there's a possibility it could turn bacterial. So, hopefully I am on the mend. But you know, with the situation I have been dealing with, maybe it was a good thing I was slowed down and couldn't run from it.
Happy Sunday everyone! xo
One day your heart will take you to your Lover. One day your soul will carry you to the Beloved. Don't get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.
~ Rumi
Replies
Excellent Processing! I too am getting better at accepting other people\'s different paths as theirs to walk, not mine. I could almost feel the relief when you understood, \"It\'s not my Circus, and not my monkeys!\". That is Letting Go!
Hugszzz
\'Why are you knocking at every door? Knock at the door of your own heart.\' Rumi.
I love this journal entry and I hope one day I will able to look at my discomfort and pain the way you do. I am learning to. You are amazing. Love you and thank you xxxx