Tuesday will be 5 years that my mother died

Tomorrow it will be 5 years that my mother died and I am here at my computer wondering why.Her death was a shock to me because the last time I spoke to my mother was in April of 2003.Her mind was wandering then and I noticed that it would be time..but I was here in seattle and could not make the trip because even then Brad and I were having problems.Living with a recovering alcoholic is very hard.It has been like a roller coaster and his moods can change.On June 5th,we attended the court and Brad made a deal.He will go to house arrest for 25 days and he has to pay this lady a lot of money.He owes here 2,000.00 and I do not know why.You see there isnt a mark on the car.It is perfect.So why is she suing him for 5 grand? She claims that he hit her..but this is not what we were told.All I know now that I wont leave Brad and I am in a deep oh like William Shakespeare stated in Romeo and Juliet.First of all.I am hearing impaired and I do not hear very well.I had an accident when I moved here and my hearing has suffered and with the budget cuts coming here it is unlikely that i will get help.I do not wear hearing aids.I use sign language.I sign whenever I can and have my tv on closed captioned.My late mother never liked Brad and before she died she told me to leave him.She told me that he is nothing but trouble and she did not want me to suffer anymore.And I have got 3 cats that I love and my cats love me.Little Tooey is my best friend and Kramer is a little stinky. I am in a neighborhood in seattle that is terrifice.It is one of the best ones that I have been too and I do not want to leave.My neighborhood now is intergrated and unlike the rumours it is fine.All of my neighbors are working people and two doors down he retired.My retired neighbor told me that he does not want to go to Florida.He told me that he loves his house and that hot weather would be a bother.He also told me that he tried to sell his house.It was on the market for one year and when he could not sell...he told the realtor to forget it.Noone can sell their houses now.And the ones that are here are not worth the money.A lot of these houses that are selling for over 450,000.00 are not worth it.The landlord wants 350,000.00 for this.But it is not worth it.It is worth at least 150,000.00 and he is lucky to get it if he sells.It is an old house.It was build in 1959.The windows do not open and I have got no closet.i wish my mother was here because I miss her.I miss talking to her and I do not know what to do.My mother and I never got along all of my adult life.Now she is gone and I do not know what to do.My mistake is not telling her that I loved her.And when I see these talk shows not and they are screaming at their mother,I want to kick them where the sun dont shine because I used to argue with my mother this way.I am telling everyone now--this isnt worth it.You only have one mother and she isnt perfect.And I will state this one my friends I will state this once-I am very,very lonely and will be the rest of my life.I have lost everything.I lost the house.I lost my dog.I lost all of my records.I lost my uncles and aunts and godfather and I lost my brother.I am truly alone and I realize that I must accept it.You see..noone will ever love me.Noone and I realized this a long time ago.And the reason why noone wants me around is this..I am bi-polar and people feel sorry.I have been mentally ill since 1962.I got very sick at the height of the Cuban Missle Crisis.But I had a rock back then.I had my music and my father.I had a person who I could talk to and Brad I simply cant.But the biggest heartbreak in my life came after my brothers death.you see the love of my life never really loved me and he never will again.He never loved me at all and I will never forget it.I will always love him and realize that it can never be.So please let me cry tomorrow ok? Do not comfort me.Please let me cry.I have got the right to feel bad.And I havent done anything wrong.