Tuesday Thoughts
I had one of the most stressful weekends in my mind that I have to date, I know alcohol is playing a big role here, I have based all my happiness on if my wife is happy for many years now, and now that she is independent and not clingy to me, even though we are together, I take this initially as a threat, and that she wants someone else, and will leave me, my anxiety is unreal, and yet I also know this portrayed to her, even though she has no thought of leaving, can easily push us further apart, I have no help in my head only chaos, I go to therapy today, and have been making mind progress, as to rationalizing all of this, and trying to realize my wants and needs and importance in healthy ways, the separation of us and thoughts, has made me feel alone, and I realize this is her healing, only I feel I am being force fed my own, I only wanted to feel some of this working out together versus separate but together, to me told hurtful things in fits of rage about people and demeaned myself has to just flow off me, even though things I said as a teenager she still harbored, I don't have a good feeling, and honestly love her dearly, my god I wish someone would just say to me, that I am being childish, that it is ok, that she isn't up to anything, as I know she isn't truly, I would say different, the changes in her freak me out, the independence, I have always provided and worked for 5 of us, I have done well, am a professional in an engineering firm supporting everything infrastructure related, I don't know how much longer I can deal with my mind and not crack and destroy everything.
Replies
Hi TinMan!
I wanted to make sure that you are not in heavy crisis today, as with what I noticed of your behavior the other day, so I made a special attempt to check-in on you for today; I found your journals toogood! However, my plans of service will change this weekend and indefinitely I will be helping out in various groups at this site. So, if you have a reason that encourages some personal attention to a matter, just send for me by DS hugbook as you journal your ideas and feelings on the matter.
TinMan, I want you to think seriously about what Im telling you with the matter between you and your wife; just think on this idea. To begin, no, I cant tell where you are childish but what I can detect are too many signs of immaturity. What you write here is way too intelligent to be compared with the thoughts of a young child. So be on notice to bring out the adult in you during aggressive thoughts.
What I sense is that youre attempting to take responsibility for your actions and I suppose this makes you feel vulnerable to how your wife is coping with you. And this is normal feeling you have; we all become deeply vulnerable during raised situations where we cant control others thoughts, feelings and actions, and genuinely by the circumstances in which you describe between you and your wife, you really have no right to show objections or resistance to her quest for independence. Because of what you\'ve experienced outside of your relationship, she now has emotional safety rights, and you know that this is the truth, which truth you cannot ignore, and it\'s converting objections into your personal beliefs.
IMO, as soon as you can get control of your thoughts or your mind has reached the healthy thinking point or that whereby you\'ve reached that secure comprehension level, and I say this with sensitivity too, then you may at that time present a counter argument and voice your objections in a useful way thats respectful to your wife\'s choices and with this sanity you may guide both of you to terms of a compromise and with fair propositions that are suitable for both you and the best interest of having a happy, productive family unit. And this is very important goals. Enough said, you know what you have to do from this point. I\'ve read so in your comments. Thanks.
Please dont forget to hugbook if you need any further attention.
Thanks for the input, at my state currently, it doesn\'t help me, but then again I have always needed others to help me, I have none now, and can\'t lift myself back up, I have nothing but turmoil in my head and am weary of life, I only can\'t get past my kids faces, I have so many pure thoughts in my head I created and has been destroyed, they never were real, I am done with humanity, I am done wanting to feel I am wanted and loved, I want to be held so damn bad, and feel wanted, and I am not, someone to hold me and just tell me it will all be ok and I would soak them with tears, I am dieing, I have no recourse, strong words back, soft words back, it really leaves me with nothing, if the doctor can\'t help me today, and make my mind leave me, I truly feel nothing and no hope, I won\'t be able to work, I left yesterday, didn\'t go today, can\'t think when there anyway, have side work, have job offers, and can\'t conscentrate to provide and have no love like I have depended on that is solid to come for me, I have no clue how to survive now, and I am about over this life.