Tuesday morning,the silence just before sunrise

Good morning journal,the time is now 6:40am,I have been awake since 6:00am when our oldest dog Buttons gave me a soft nudge to let me know that she needed to go outside.Before she woke me,I had spent a fitful night,waking often and simply lying in the darkness until sleep claimed me again.This time,after letting Buttons outside,I decided to remain up and make myself some coffee,the morning outside is still dark and silent,even more so because I do not have my "bionic ears" in,so the quietness is even more peaceful and I feel very close to God,sometimes being deaf is a blessing,it allows one to be fully aware of everything around without the intrusion of any sound to break your powers of concentration.It is about an hour away from sunrise,that time between when the world finally begins to wake and turns to face another new day,but yet still clings to the peace of the night,reluctant to give up the calm that always seems to be a part of these early hours,there is a sense of protectiveness and refuge at this time,and,once again,I marvel at the beauty of it all.My wife and our canine children are fast asleep in our bedroom,Buttons once again,returned to my side of our bed,and,along with her brother and sister lies protectively draped across my wife,daring the unseen demons of the dark to draw near,sleep on family,and know that you are loved beyond comprehension,and I am stronger for simply being a part of you for one more day.Now,to other news,I finally heard from the pulmonary rehab team on Saturday,the classes start on November 4th two days a week for six weeks,I am hoping that by the end of it,I will have regained at least some of the muscle and power that I have lost over the past fifteen months or so that I have been unwell,but,we will just have to wait and see.Looking back,I now realize that I was ill for some time before my actual collapse at work,but my refusal to listen to my body and my mind,and the warning signs that they were giving me,has resulted in an even faster decline in my physical and mental state than perhaps would have been, had I acted on them instead of pushing them aside and carrying on.I chose to ignore most of,if not all,of the symptoms I was displaying,physically I hurt,but I put that down to the demands of the job and getting a little older,it was getting harder to keep up with my younger colleagues,mentally,I was in a very insecure,and,at times,a potentially volatile place,I got angry quicker,and I was now aware that the voices I had been hearing for months were not my own,although still,at that time,I did not know who or what they were.I was a professional,a law enforcement officer,and I began to make rookie mistakes,little things at first,but gradually I had to admit to myself that I was dropping the ball more often than I was getting into the end zone,a situation that did not go unnoticed by my superior officers.A lot of the errors that I was making resulted in offenders having fines that I had issued overturned on appeal,and,despite my exemplary record as an officer,with years of experience,alarm bells were ringing that I ignored,and,because I was a previously good officer,resulted in my superior officers giving me the benefit of the doubt when perhaps they should not have.So,we now find ourselves at the present,sick,unable to work,and with no means of supporting my family financially,we have to rely on the state for survival,and,at the moment,there is very little assistance coming from that government agency,so,we rely,as we always have,on a loving God,who has never yet let us go hungry,although at times,we have gone perilously close.My new social worker is due to visit tomorrow at 12:30pm.and,hopefully,we will get a look at the proposed care plan she has come up with.she is also going to call the disability people to see where my claim is at status wise,let's hope she has better luck than I have had up until now.My voices,Jeremiah,Ruth and Micah,still speak with me on an almost daily basis,Jeremiah talks of "a message",or "the message",but thus far has chosen not to reveal to me just exactly what this "message" is yet,but I get the feeling that I'm getting closer to finding out.Ruth is a gentle soul with the purest heart,and sometimes I get the sensation of calmness,almost as if she has laid a cooling hand on my brow,and Micah,I get the feeling that he has suffered much pain in his life,and yet his spirit remains unbowed,and his loyalty to Jeremiah and Ruth,and increasingly myself,makes us family,despite what other people say.My voices have changed drastically in their behavior towards me over the past few months,at first,insistent,persistent,and sometimes bordering on threatening,now,they are,for the most part,benevolent and supportive,I know people find it hard to believe me when I speak of them,that is entirely up to them,I don't seek to convince anybody of their reality,I only know what is,I leave the choice to believe or not up to each individual,and that includes my psychiatrist.I have been told by my voices that there is a purpose for me,and as soon as I find out what "the message" is,I have a feeling that I will know what the purpose is,it makes sense to me at any rate,Jeremiah said something to me two days ago,he put his hand on my shoulder,I actually physically felt him put his hand there,and he said,"courage is not the absence of fear,....it is the acknowledgement that fear is present in your life,but facing it anyway",I've had a lot of fear in my life over the past couple of years,and,so far,I've faced it,even though,at times,I longed for the peace of the longest sleep,and the courage to hasten it's arrival,but every day that I survive,every day that I continue to live,is a day that I cheat Satan and all of his temptations,even though there are times that I pray for the mercy of God to,"just let me not wake up",,every day He does,is a day closer to the solutions that we need,something has to change soon,and with the position we are in now,things can only go in one direction,....up.Thank you Father for one more day,perhaps this will be the day when change happens,Thy will be done Father,we trust in You and Your healing and protection,and we ask that we be allowed to walk with You through another day,in the name of Your Most Holy Son and our Savior Jesus Christ who died that we might live,...for Thine is the Power,and the Glory,for ever and ever,.....Amen.