Tuesday morning,and here we are again

Good morning journal,the time is now 7:17am and I have been awake for just over thirty minutes.I succumbed to my tiredness last evening,took my night medication,and tottered off to bed at around 7:30pm,falling asleep very quickly,and remaining like that until I opened my eyes again at around 6:45am this morning. I always know when it's time for me to go to bed,my mood changes a lot,and last night I could feel myself becoming unsettled and grumpy,so,rather than becoming unreasonable and spoiling my wife's evening,I did what I always do,remove myself from my family and let sleep claim me and calm the beast within.My sometimes irrational and irritable behavior can occasionally make things unpleasant for those around me,so,when I feel my mood change happen,I will take steps to lessen the damage,and if I don't feel it happen,as sometimes is the case,then my wife will say,"your getting angry,go take a nap". Extreme tiredness is a feeling that always seems to be a part of my being these days,it is a very hard thing to deal with,sometimes I will get up at around 7:00am,and by 10:00am,I will be so exhausted that I'm falling asleep in my chair. On other days,I manage to cope fairly well,and can remain up and with my family for most of the day just like a normal healthy person,I've tried to work out why this happens,but,I haven't come up with any plausible answers as yet. When I take the time to think in quiet moments of reflection,I can see that,because of my illnesses,I am powerless at times to feel any other way than helpless and impotent over them when they rear their ugly heads so to speak,sometimes,and this is my fault entirely,I forget that my wife is as much,and at times even more so,a victim of my physical and mental frailties as I am. She has to live with my illnesses every bit as much as I am compelled to do,me,because I have no other choice,and her,because she chooses not to have any other choice,she loves me,and for her,that makes any other option impossible. If I was a solitary being,living on my own,would I still be here?,if I'm being brutally honest,then I have to say that there is a very good chance that I wouldn't be,since I became ill,I have had many,many episodes where I have been very close to ending the pain that I find myself in,whether that be physical pain or mental,I have suffered a great deal of both,and there have been occasions when I have thought very seriously about bringing things to a quiet and dignified close. I watched my mother change from being a vibrant,energetic human being,into a confused and frightened person,robbed of her dignity and her mind,before God mercifully put an end to her agony. Do I want the same thing for me?,I do not,and there are times when I think,enough is enough,and you know who keeps me here despite myself?,....my wife. She is one of the strongest individuals that I have ever met,and her driving force,the one reason above all others that gets her out of bed in the mornings is her love for me,I love her and I need her,she knows that,and she has never let me down,sometimes,a lot of times,I don't let her know how grateful I am,I'm sorry my wife,I will try a little harder in future. There are occasions during my waking periods in any one day,that I suffer memory lapses,I know that I have remained awake because my wife tells me I have,and yet,I have no recollection of what I've done or said in the time that my brain,"goes for a walk" on it's own. It is a quite alarming thing to have periods where you can't remember,and I think of my mother at these times,I saw the same,or very similar,thing happen to her,she would appear normal in every respect,and then you could see the lucidity return,and she would be herself again for however long it lasted before she retreated into her own private world once more. I have asked myself frequently,"where do I go?",but,for the life of me,I just don't know,am I frightened that the illness which claimed my mother has somehow passed on to me?,it has crossed my mind,but my wife does not think so,I hope and pray that she is right. Senile dementia does run in my family,and it can be hereditary,and the one great fear that I have above all others is that I will be robbed of my mind. I have always had the capability of transferring my thoughts into print,words have always come easily to me,to be robbed of that gift would be unbearable,and I know that I would take steps to finish things if that were proved to be the case. We all spend our lives making memories,people we have met,places we have been,scenes from our childhood,etc:,etc:,these are the things we take into our later life,our Autumn years if you like,to have these memories taken away would be dreadful,your wedding day,the birth of your children,and to not be able to look back at things like these,would be impossible for me to bear,and it is a source of great comfort to me that should something like that happen,the solution will still be in my own hands. Every day begins the same for me,I sort out my morning medications,seven tablets for various things,one other tablet dissolved in water,one tablet chewed,and then two inhalers before I do much else. I have another rescue inhaler for anytime use during the day,and,no matter what jacket I put on,there is one in every pocket should I forget to pick one up before I leave home. About two o'clock,I take another tablet,then repeat the same routine at around six in the evening after dinner,my final course of action at the close of any day,is to take another three tablets and one more inhaler before bed,in all,that's fourteen tablets and three different inhalers,sometimes I forget,but my wife is very good at reminding me,which is probably a good thing!. This morning,I feel calm and rested,how long it will remain that way is anyone's guess,but for now,I am enjoying feeling in control again,it is a good feeling when it happens,and I have already made a mental note to try and prolong it for as long as possible. My wife and our canine brood have now awoken and have joined me in our lounge,so,it is time for me to leave here and be with them,and that today,is the greatest joy for me,thank you Father for this wonderful family that I am blessed to be a part of,may Your love and peace again fill our home and our hearts this day.