Tues May 22
I pray to God and Jesus to give me strength not to drink. Always promising to do better for my part. I get mad when it doesn't happen. When I fall short. When I am let down by the greater powers that have allowed me to fall short.
Wondering if God has abandon me. Surely not. Why would he. My life was full of so much heart ache as a child. Why would God let me survive that only to be defeated by a bottle as an adult. How is that fair?
I believe in God and I don't know it he has anything to do with what is happening to me now. I'd like to think so. I'd also like to think that it is that little girl inside of me. That brave soldier coming out. Not letting me fall. Giving me the willpower. The same one that made me stay up late to study in college while I had a new baby and a husband away fighting a war for a foreign land. The little girl that gave me the courage to stick with it. Even though I hated school. Practically almost let myself flunk out of h.s. The little girl that was in remedial classes and did flunk Kindergarten only to be on the dean's list many times over in college.
It's crazy. I started a business. I always drank too much. I just didn't always drink. I made promises and pleaded to have the willpower to slow down. Especially when I'd wake up too hungover to do this great business I'm so proud of. I was falling short. I was losing clients.
I began to get serious in Jan. Quiting for almost 2 weeks. With just a sip here & there. It was in the Fall I lost 2 clients. It was in Jan I gained one and then again another in Feb. Putting me back on top. I promised to stay sober. Or better. Feeling like it was b/c of my sobriety that good things were happening. I don't know if that was true b/c I didn't stay that sober. But when I did good things happened.
Now yesterday I get a call to possibly do a vista print customer testimonial commercial. They want to fly me to Boston. I've been sober and plan to continue. Good things are happening. Why test it.
I weighed in at 140.
Wondering if God has abandon me. Surely not. Why would he. My life was full of so much heart ache as a child. Why would God let me survive that only to be defeated by a bottle as an adult. How is that fair?
I believe in God and I don't know it he has anything to do with what is happening to me now. I'd like to think so. I'd also like to think that it is that little girl inside of me. That brave soldier coming out. Not letting me fall. Giving me the willpower. The same one that made me stay up late to study in college while I had a new baby and a husband away fighting a war for a foreign land. The little girl that gave me the courage to stick with it. Even though I hated school. Practically almost let myself flunk out of h.s. The little girl that was in remedial classes and did flunk Kindergarten only to be on the dean's list many times over in college.
It's crazy. I started a business. I always drank too much. I just didn't always drink. I made promises and pleaded to have the willpower to slow down. Especially when I'd wake up too hungover to do this great business I'm so proud of. I was falling short. I was losing clients.
I began to get serious in Jan. Quiting for almost 2 weeks. With just a sip here & there. It was in the Fall I lost 2 clients. It was in Jan I gained one and then again another in Feb. Putting me back on top. I promised to stay sober. Or better. Feeling like it was b/c of my sobriety that good things were happening. I don't know if that was true b/c I didn't stay that sober. But when I did good things happened.
Now yesterday I get a call to possibly do a vista print customer testimonial commercial. They want to fly me to Boston. I've been sober and plan to continue. Good things are happening. Why test it.
I weighed in at 140.
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